Slayre Says

Music Monday!

2008-07-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Independent,

Welcome to another week of Slayre Says! I missed American Gladiators, so I'm mildly grumpy, but I feel like the grumpiness was canceled out by the orgasmic sandwich I got from Whole Foods earlier today.

This week on Music Monday, I'd like to introduce Catlow:
I found this artist on Friday or maybe Saturday, and like new love, I can't get enough. This band's music tends to be a little more upbeat than most of the music I listen to, and it's a nice change. This Indie band hacks up everyday monotony with their various rhythms. The first song I heard by them, Saint Hate, is mellow yet edgy at the same time. Some of their songs are just fun, and some of their songs make me want to run, like Kiss the World. Anything that can get me running is good music. Check out their Myspace page by clicking their name above.

Hope everyone had a great Independence Day!
Love,
Slayre

Pisces to the Moon

2008-07-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Courtesans,

I won't be updating tomorrow in celebration of Independence Day. Just wanted to let you know. Since you know, we're in an internet relationship, and communication is key.

Pisces, My Horoscope says:
As with many other signs the lunar influences are likely to have a slightly negative impact. However things turn out you won’t be happy or satisfied today. An inclination to adopt a glass- half-empty kind of approach will turn an average day into a more taxing one!

Slayre Says:
Something happened to my font, and I'm blaming it on the moon. Today wasn't so really so bad, but since you're such a pessimist, it'll suck worse.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says totally promotes pessimists.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Hey, how are you?

Love,
Slayre

Nerd Day!

2008-07-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Lecter,

I realized when I got home from work, that I wasn't inside at all except for when I got to work and there were no kids, and when I ate my lunch, which took all of fifteen minutes. The medication I'm taking for my wasp bites say I should avoid sunlight. Oops.

So, for Nerd Day! I'd like to recommend Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Dart:
You'll notice that this cover seems racier than the other books I've recommended. That's because it is. The main character is essentially a courtesan who's into pain. A lot. This gets her into and out of a lot of trouble, and makes for a very satisfying read. I know you're thinking, so, no, it's not erotic literature. It justs happens to be a book where sex is an important part of the plot, but as I recall, it's not graphic in nature.

Love,
Slayre

2008-07-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Slip,

Today, I found myself covered in mud, and it was fun.

Aquarius, Daily Horoscope says:
You will have several opportunities to work with young people today--perhaps involving your teaching of economics or budgeting. You have an inner urge to be all things to all people and would rather bend than argue. You are a natural diplomat, always courteous and concerned with the comfort and welfare of others. You stay in the background until you need to make the best of your talents. Work proceeds naturally today and you will successfully use some opportunity to manipulate and bring out cooperation in others. Yours is a reflective mind, a mirror for others. You are equality-minded and easy to talk with--a great mediator or negotiator. You are particularly good at relations, politics, diplomacy and sales. Do nice things for you tonight.

Slayre Says:
You will have to work with brats for community service today, all because you were caught embezzling. You're a living example of what not to do. Like a psychopath, you can be anything for anyone, while at the same time, offending none. You stalk in the background until you see the right opportunity. Then you do the same thing that you always do. You know what I'm talking about. Of course, you're equal opportunity, so you make sure to get some victims from all races and body types. Yeah, you've been caught a couple of times, but you're so smooth you talked your way out of everything... except the embezzling. It's ok. Spend it all tonight on yourself after you take care of your latest victim.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not encourage psychopaths to kill people.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Leftie is having issues.

Love,
Slayre

Music Monday!

2008-06-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Cameo,

It looks like we have a good group at camp this week. We had to tell them they were allowed to have fun...

For Music Monday! I have a special treat. Nine Inch Nail (or NIN):
Ok, this band has been around longer than I've been interested in music. (Founded in 1988, when I was one year old...) It officially has only one person in it: Trent Reznor, who is amazing. I really shouldn't have to tell you much about his sound, with hits like "Hurt," "With Teeth," and "Closer."

Want to know the best thing? The next album, the Slip, is on their site for free downloads. I did it. So should you.

Love,
Slayre

Wanted

2008-06-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Agent 99,

Sorry for not posting two days last week. I'm on a medication and it makes me sleepy. Stupid wasp bites that I scratched and got infected...

Anyway, yesterday I went and saw Wanted:

It was totally not what I expected from the trailer, but it's still amazingly good. I absolutely love that most of Angelina Jolie's Fox used mainly nonverbal communication. It was super sexy. It had me laughing the entire time, and the music kept my blood pumping. The score to this movie is amazing. I went and looked for the soundtrack, but I was disappointed that it was only the score. I'll probably buy it anyway. Danny Elfman anyone? Best of all, one of my favorite comedians made a cameo as a cashier. (I wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been looking for her. Bridget McManus- You can stock my peanut butter anytime!)

So, this is a first for Slayre Says. Wanted gets a 5 out of 5. If for no other reason than I got to see Angelina's ass again. Yum.

Love,
Slayre

Movie Review Wednesday

2008-06-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Dogs,

Instead of our regularly scheduled Nerd Day!, we'll be having a movie review. We at Slayre Says are dedicated to giving you our opinions as soon as we get them! And by "our" I mean me and all the voices in my head.

Get Smart:There's two kinds of humor, and this movie had both. Luckily, it didn't rely too heavily on the dumb humor like so many of the comedies nowadays. I very much enjoyed this movie, which is great since I gave up a large amount of sleep time to go see it. As far as acting goes, a lot of it was over the top, but it felt like it was supposed to be like that. I didn't see the chemistry between Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell, but that could just be that Carell is old enough to be Hathaway's dad...

Overall, I give this movie a 4.9 out of 5.00

Love,
Slayre

Candied Capricorn

2008-06-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Girl Kissers,

It's days like this, when I work ten hours, but don't get home until 13 hours of starting work that I realize how tired I am. It's ok though. It means I'll sleep well. Everyone should leach my tiredness and cure their insomnia!

Capricorn, Adze says:
Cultivate mutuality and understanding. You can improve the relationships.... Get in touch with mother earth. Tend to practical affairs.... To get more love, develop your grace, charm and sense of values.

Note: I only took part of this site's horoscope, since it was separated by inner and outer planets, but I didn't put the ellipses. It was all copy pasted.

Slayre Says:
Go start a garden and reflect on what you lack: love, grace, charm and sense of values. Learn to accept that you'll never have those things and try not to take out this realization on your dog.

Disclaimer: Or cat.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's not stalkerish.

Love,
Slayre

Music Monday!

2008-06-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Dirt Biker,

Well, it's back to the beginning of the week, and Slayre Says has something to celebrate: the first spamming! If you look at the comments from yesterday's post, I got spammed by some someone who wants me to put some random game embedding onto my site. In the future, I'll be deleting all spam, but I feel like I should leave up the first one, since it has nothing to do with male enhancement.

Today, I have a single for you, since overall, I don't like this artist's work: Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl.
Ok, there's a lot wrong with this song, but I really love the chorus. "I kissed a girl, and I liked it," is easily my favorite line in the song. What's wrong with it? It implies that it's totally wrong that she kissed a girl at all. Ok, maybe she shouldn't have been kissing other people when she had a boyfriend, but "it's not what good girls do?" So my mom might agree with her, but whatever. Honestly, I don't know if I should be offended by this and her other song, Ur So Gay. No matter what the message of the song is, it's tune is catchy and it's easy to sing. Check it out, you might get it stuck in your head.

As an aside, I found it interesting that there are no girls kissing in the music video.

Love,
Slayre

Fun Friday!

2008-06-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Uranus,

Thank deity of your choice it's Friday! I'll be honest, I haven't been playing any video games. I haven't been doing much of anything fun, but I'll come up with something I've liked in the past. Just because I love you. Oh, and you too.

This week: Uphill Rush
This is a pretty simple game. Sort of a mix between a race and stunt track. If you haven't noticed by now, I like the mindless games that take a little bit of skill, but not a lot of thinking. Strategy player I am not. So, go ahead and click on the blue link above the picture and enjoy!

Love,
Slayre

Common Capricorn

2008-06-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Necromancers,

Weeee! I'm going to move into a room today!

Capricorn, Astroadvice says:
You may have to grasp something that you weren't counting on. Don't let your emotions lead you astray. There is money heading your way from a source you least expect. Keep things in perspective. The Moon is in Capricorn and your industrious mood will carry on. You must fit as much into your day as possible in order to reach your highest potential.

Slayre Says:
You might have to touch some genitals that you never expected to have to touch. Don't get too grossed out. You'll get paid for it. Look at it this way, you don't have to moon in your ass. Oh wait, you do. You're feeling pretty industrious... so try to pack some more in.

Disclaimer: Don't try to fit more in. Explosion is imminent.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: I've got the gay key!

Love,
Slayre

Nerd Day!

2008-06-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Bush,

I'm eating barbecue tonight! You have no idea how excited this makes me feel!

Ok, this week, for Nerd Day! I sacrifice to you one of my old time favorites: Garth Nix's Sabriel

Click here to go read an excerpt. You'll have to click on the "look inside" option. Sorry, they didn't have a sample chapter on his website...

This book is considerably more somber than the other books I've recommended. And longer. However, it's a zombie book! Ok, the main character puts zombies to rest using her magical bells, but there are still zombies! Anyway, read it. This has been a staple in my book collection for years.

Love,
Slayre

Sexy Sagittarius

2008-06-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Twins,

I'm finally getting the final bit of my tattoo done this Saturday. I'm trying not to think about work, so that's what I'm focusing on. When it heals, I'll post a picture!

Sagittarius, Daily Horoscope says:
Take a little trip, or get outside today. You may want to break that routine and try something new or different right now. You may discover insights into day-to-day problems that will be of great value later. You are very much the creature of habit and habitat. Your encircling networks of friends and relationships are crucial to your success or lack thereof. You are nourished in great measure by the atmosphere and conditions you are able to set up for yourself. You are happiest today as you accomplish your chores and improve your surroundings, perhaps by cleaning or working with plants. All that is fine and luxurious may be what you enjoy most. You will make your own way and find solutions to whatever problems you have. Tonight is for romance.

Slayre Says:
Stop doing the same old things and go outside. You're pale in an unhealthy way. You might just figure out why no one likes looking at you in bright light. We know the sun hurts you, but it's time to get a little color and come out of the dark hole you call your lair. At this point, if you didn't have your friends, you'd probably starve. With the atmosphere and energy they provide, there's plenty for a psychic vampire to feed from. You feel pleased since you finally got rid of that odd smell that was left over from your last feeding. You've definitely got champagne tastes, unfortunately, you have a beer budget. It's ok though, you've started to watch the DIY network and you've started building your own furniture. Tonight, try to hook up.
Disclaimer: I try to keep everything fairly non-political, but I just couldn't resist.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Dirt in shoe makes blister on toe.

Love,
Slayre

Music Monday!

2008-06-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Green Monsters,

It's a new week! I'll try to post consistently since I love you and I'm really sad I let you down...

This week- Tegan and Sara:
These twins have had a long career, and like many bands, their style has slowly change, and in their case, dare I say, improved. Their latest album, The Con, is by far my favorite. Musically, it's the most complicated thing they've worked on, but not so out there that it's hard to relate to.

Yeah, they have mullets, but they make them work.

Click here to listen on their myspace page.

Love,
Slayre

Movie Review Saturday

2008-06-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Book Worms,

Sorry for not updating for a whole two days. I fell asleep. Repeatedly.

Anyway, to make up for the lack of posting, here's a review for The Incredible Hulk:
I really enjoyed this movie. Other than a few random editing glitches (characters sitting and suddenly standing and facing each other between camera changes) I can't really fault it. I'm not a fan of CGI, but I've become resigned to the fact that this is the new medium, and I do like Hulk's new look.
I wasn't a fan of Liv Tyler's bangs though. I think she's a gorgeous woman, and the bangs weren't horrible, but she's had better looks. I was honestly surprised that she played a good portion of the comic relief. All the roles I've seen her in have been pretty serious characters. Maybe I just haven't seen enough of her. Hmm... I'll have to fix that.

Slayre Says: 4.7 out of 5

Love,
Slayre

Nerd Day!

2008-06-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Superpeople,

Today, I offer up Kelley Armstrong's Bitten:

Have to comment on the cover for a second... this was the year of women's naked backs. Every series I read had a woman with a naked back... I have no idea why... I suppose it was a marketing ploy to attract people that think backs are sexy.

At any rate, this is the first of Kelley's Women of the Otherworld series, and once again, it features the supernatural. In this case, it's a werewolf named Elena. I don't want to give you too many details, but this is definitely one of my favorite series. Click the blue link above the picture to read the prologue.

Love,
Slayre

Super Scorpio

2008-06-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Kitties,

Well, it looks like this week isn't going to be fun, but it's ok. I'm going to go see some belly dancers Saturday. Yum.

Scorpio, horoscope.com says: The daytime will be easier than the evening, but the daytime will bring its problems too, thanks to a slightly aloof mood. Offers of help from you will be appreciated, but knowing when to step in and make that offer will be the challenge. A friend could make life a little harder than it needs to be!

Slayre Says:
Tonight's going to suck. The day's going to suck too, but not as bad as tonight. Be sure to offer your assistance, but don't make it too easy. Make them sweat first. Make it seem like you won't help them, and just before they fail miserably, swoop in and save them. They'll think you're awesome, but don't make it seem like you could have helped them from the beginning, or they might not remain a friend.

Disclaimer: Just because you like something, it doesn't mean it need to go inside of you.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's pointless to read your horoscope at the end of the day.

Love,
Slayre

P.S. I don't know why, but google won't let me adjust the font color today...

P.P.S. For more examples of Superman being a dick, go here.

Music Monday!

2008-06-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Sharp Shooter,

I'll just say that little girls can be bitches. Work was not fun today...

Speaking of bitches (in this case, in a good way), Slayre's Music Recommendation today is Kittie:

Yeah, they've been around for forever, but they still kick ass. They're considerably more hardcore than the other groups I've posted here, but sometimes you just need that. I enjoy having these sexy ladies scream into my ears when I'm working out. Screaming, mmm. Sexy, mmm...

Click here to visit their site. You'll have to click play to get it started.

Love,
Slayre

Fun Friday!

2008-06-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Selfish,

I just finished the first week of work! Only seven left! I want to go celebrate yet another meaningless milestone, but I just don't have the energy.

Smokin' Barrels

This week's game is yet another simple concept: the duel. Just follow the in game instructions, and you'll be fine. Want a tip? Don't use your prize money on the bonus games until you've won all the duels.

The only downside to this game is that the difficulty level goes up by about 100% if you don't have a mouse rather than the laptop touch pad, but it's still possible to beat.

Want to play? Click here.

Love,
Slayre

Lickable Libra

2008-06-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Skinwalkers,

I tried Abita's Turbodog just now. Not really a fan of it...

Anyway, Libra, dailyhoroscope says:
A rebellious streak could affect your career now--careful. Your sense of independence may tend to kick over the apple cart and upset everything. Your progress and success may be at the expense of your more unconventional tendencies--a source of struggle. You prefer a career that accents your own devotion to the dreams and ideals you stand for these days. Working with groups in a spirit of cooperation is a natural. Everything conspires to value and brings out your unique and unusual qualities. You may find that someone close to you understands and is supportive of your eccentricities. You could come up with new solutions. There is an opportunity this evening to understand a difficult person; you listen and love.

Slayre Says:
Stop being so damn selfish.

Disclaimer: Yeah, it was a cop out, but I'm tired.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Cat go boom!
Love,
Slayre

Nerd Day!

2008-06-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Stalkers,

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday. The internet company decided to not record that we paid our bill so they cut it off. It's ok though, its fixed.

Ok, so for today, I'm going to recommend Patricia Brigg's Moon Called:

This book is about a chick mechanic who happens to be able to turn into an coyote at will. Oh, the Alpha of the local werewolf pack lives next door and keeps hassling her. This is the first in a series of (so far) 3, and although this first one is great, they keep getting better. Click on the link in blue above to read a sample chapter!

Love,
Slayre

Music Monday!

2008-06-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Snipers,

So, I finished my first day of work today and I can officially say that making corn husk dolls isn't fun after the first one or two. On the upside, my job means I get to play around all day and dig random holes in the ground with the kids.

On this week of Music Monday!, we'll be taking a look at Girl in a Coma:
This Latina hotties are based out of San Antonio, and they are set to repeat on my MP3 player. They're my new Music Girlfriends, I love them so much. Of course, they don't know that. Ok. It might be a little creepy, but its not like I'm stalking them honest. I mean, I don't even know what they wore yesterday. Well, Phanie's top was really cute and Jenn's shoes were amazing. Can't forget about Nina's though... her underwear was super sexy... I mean, from what I could see through the window.

Anyway, stop by their Myspace page (it's linked in blue about the picture for your convenience) and give them a listen!

Love,
Slayre

Fun Friday!

2008-05-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dear HazMat Suit Wearers,

This week has gone by really fast. Not too much time to waste, so here's a short game for you.

Clear Vision

Yeah, it has stick figures instead of great graphics, but the point is still to snipe the hell out of people. It doesn't take too long to complete the game, but its still enjoyable. You use a mouse to aim and fire, nothing too complicated. Enjoy!

Love,
Slayre

Virginal Virgo

2008-05-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Witches,

It's almost the weekend! I'd be more excited if training hadn't ended today. How awesome is it that training for me included playing in the mud, doing arts and crafts, making ice cream and watching a kids movie?

Anyway, Virgo, Horoscope says:
Go easy on the spending, Virgo; an inclination to buy yourself the latest accessory or the outfit will come at a price. Avoid the mall and don’t be tempted to browse the internet shopping sites either; today you just won’t be able to resist temptation, and your budget will suffer!

Slayre Says:
Stuff cost money, and you don't have any! DO NOT CHECK YOUR MAIL! A box with anthrax or something exploded and all your mail and your mail box were covered in it. So were the internet shopping sites. You won't be able to resist, I know, but you were warned. Anthrax is expensive to cure!

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not know how to cure anthrax or any other disease.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Time to go shopping!

Love,
Slayre

Nerd Day!

2008-05-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Eyeball Eaters,

So, just to cover my bases in the entertainment industry, I'll be doing a book recommendation/review on Wednesdays. Since I've read a ton of books in my lifetime, I figure I've got a huge backlog of books to use for when I don't have time to actually read a book...

This week, I'll be reviewing Kim Harrison's Dead Witch Walking.

The main character, Rachel Morgan, is a witch. Her roommates are Ivy, a vampire, and Jenks, a pixie. Can you really go wrong with something like that?

The first couple of chapters are a little rocky, since Kim is working on building the world, but once you get past that, this book is fast paced. I love the dialog between the characters. Some of my best swears are stolen from Jenks. This is the first in the series, and as you read through it, there's a lot of foreshadowing to be missed. It amazes me on every re-read how many hints Kim leaves. You can read an excerpt here.

Kim Harrison is easily my favorite author, and anyone who knows me knows what a picky reader I am. Plus, I named my dog after one of her characters. If I were going to have kids, you can bet they'd be named after her characters too. Seriously, she's just that good.

Love,
Slayre

Laughing Leo

2008-05-27T05:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Rockstars,

And we're back to horoscopes! Give me something to do for Wednesday, and we can have just two a week!

Leo, DailyHoroscope says:
You are positive and you are able to get right to the point of problems today. You have plenty of enthusiasm and warm up to things and people quickly. There is an inner self-confidence that burns with its own light today. Ideas and interaction with authority figures may be in the forecast this afternoon. Working with--rather than against--the flow should be easy to do--all day. You may have trouble understanding those who seem emotional or sentimental, however and may not be able to show much patience. Balance your lack of intuitiveness with logic and common sense and you will have quite a successful day. There may be some changes that will have you examining your responsibilities but you can easily dispense with the superficial.

Slayre Says:
So, you finally got your test results back, and you're positive. This might be a good thing, so you're super excited and you want to hug every one. Be careful not to set yourself on fire with that inner light though. That would be bad. You're going to be pulled over by a cop today since your exuberance leads to drunk driving. Be sure to listen to the good officer all day, or I see prison rape in your future. You don't really get the guy in the corner who's crying, but be patient with him and he won't eat your eyeballs later. Overall, be sure to keep yourself regular with some fiber, and it won't be so bad. There'll probably be some events that will make you question your entire being, but that's ok.

Disclaimer: Reach for the fire extinguisher.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Ride for five miles on bike today, ass hurt tomorrow.

Love,
Slayre

Music Mondays

2008-05-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Warlords,

Again, no horoscope for you! From henceforth, Mondays shall be known as Music Mondays, in which you shall have to suffer through my random tastes in music.

This week: Cat Power
Cat Power's been around for awhile, so her range of music is pretty eclectic. Check out her myspace page to check out some of her tunes for yourself. Look, I even made it easy for you. Just click her name, in blue, above her picture.

I'm keeping it kinda short today since I'm tired from all the work training. Fun stuff!

Love,
Slayre

Fun Friday!

2008-05-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Indie Fans,

It's Friday! And in celebration of one of the better days of the week, I've decided to institute Fun Friday! Instead of a horoscope, every Friday I'll be telling you guys what I've been doing for fun, or what I waste my time with.

This week, I've been playing a strategy game called Warlords: Call to Arms
Basically, you send your little soldiers across the screen towards the other side, and keep your opponent from getting to your side. You get to choose your race, and buy upgrades and different types of units. The goal is to take over the world!!

Yeah, it has low graphics and the concept of the game is extraordinarily easy, but I never said I was complex.

Love,
Slayre

Review Thursday

2008-05-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Bears,

In place of your regular horoscope, I'll be doing a movie review! Which movie, you ask? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

I was initially excited about this new film. I loved all the old movies, but I'll be honest, I was annoyed so much during the film I didn't enjoy it very much. I give the movie props for being great cinematicly, but the pseudo archeology drove me up the freaking wall. I'm sure that most people who aren't taking classes heavily focused on archeology will enjoy it though. Also, Shia LaBeuf? Really Steven Spielburg? Is that the best you could do? I watched Transformers and this movie in spite of, not because of that guy. I honestly wonder if his movies would do as well if the movies weren't so high profile. I refuse to put his picture on my blog...

On the upside, I thoroughly enjoyed Kate Blanchett as Col. Dr. Spalko. Her accent was awesome and her acting skills never cease to amaze me. Harrison Ford wasn't bad himself, but he is really showing his age. John Hurt as Professor Oxley was hilarious and Karen Allen's reprise of Marion Ravenwood, was, of course, amazing.

So, I'm split with my rating system here. Overall, I give it a 2 and a half. The archeologist gives it a great big 0, but the moviegoer me gives it a four out of five.

So, Slayre Says: 2.5/0/4

And yes, I do recognize my averaging skills are weird there.

If you want to know a spoiler full rant on why this movie bugged the hell out of me, just ask, as long as you have at least a half hour for me to fill.

Love,
Slayre

Stick it, Cancer

2008-05-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Harem,

Look! I didn't make a cancer joke! Aren't you proud of me?

Cancer, DailyHoroscopes says:
You are able to handle difficult people and may be called upon to help with crowd control. You are able to cut through the red tape to get at what is beneath and behind most situations that others feel have no remedy. This is a time when you can make a real difference in the work place and the profits of the company for which you work. There is support and recognition from your co-workers. You may find that you are able to bring more imagination to bear on your goals and ambitions. You might find your ideals taking a more spiritual turn, thus involving you more in community and religious projects. This is a time when philosophical ideas, religious and such--really holds your interest. You are able to teach, the unity that binds.

Slayre Says:
You're going to act as a bouncer at a communist convention that the National Guard is going to crash for being Unamerican. Of course, you're not living in the sixties, so it's all drug induced. You're going to affect the profits of your employer... good luck at not getting caught. Your coworkers are in on it, so your chances are good. You're going to imagine bears with beers, but just realize that that's drug induced also. Soon, the bears will begin to say things, and they'll sound like scripture. You should pay attention to the bears. They will guide you and watch over you. Like Yoda, you will sound.

Disclaimer: Really dude, controlled substances are controlled for a reason. You need to figure out what that reason is.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Be on the look out for Saphocrats.

Love,
Slayre

Gemini's Gems

2008-05-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Foul Mouthed Grandmothers,

I'm not going to lie. I'm getting tired of horoscopes. Why? Because they're repetitive. So, I'd like to branch out, but I'll need suggestions.

But, for today, here's Gemini's from freedailyhoroscopes:
Today you will want to think about where you are in your life. Spend time alone today to listen to where your thoughts take you. This is a good time to take note of inner goals and aspirations. With the quick pace of life, we don't spend enough time alone to find out if we are on the right path according to our inner voice.

Slayre Says:
Think about where you are. Do you really need to be in a bar at 11am? Get away from your harem, and see where your thoughts go. Think about where you want to be and what you would like to do. With such a fast paced life, you realize you'd rather just be with your harem. Too bad you left them and they quickly found something better.
I guess it's a women's basketball harem. Guess you'll have to take one... or nine for the team.

Disclaimer: Please get checked regularly for things transmitted through your harem.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You only miss things when they're not around.

Love,
Slayre

Tanked Taurus

2008-05-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Monkies,

Taurus, Uclick says,
Don't run from what needs to be dealt with. Instead, proceed with truth and concern. Once you clear your mind of the little things bothering you, it will be easier to take charge of your life and make decisions based on what's best for you.

Slayre Says:
You want to run from everything that you have to do today, but you sprain your ankle because you're out of shape. Instead you're going to have to tell the truth, mainly because you're attached to a lie detector. Once you accept the fact that you've been caught, it won't be a struggle to choose the best choice for you. Paper or plastic?

Disclaimer: Slayre Says doesn't know why you would be attached to a lie detector in a grocery store, but it's your fault anyway.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's alive!

Love,
Slayre

Great Day for Civil Rights

2008-05-16T08:49:00.001-07:00

Hey Guys,

This post has nothing to do with horoscopes, so if you had your heart set on one of those, just skip this post.

First off, I support Gay Rights. It's never made sense to me that the US denied some of it's citizens it's rights, and I think it's great that some states are supporting its citizens like it should. Up until yesterday though, the list was very short, and it consisted of Massachusetts. Well, now it's up to two and it's California and Massachusetts.

The vote for gay marriage has gone through twice, and was vetoed by Governor Schwarzenegger, but he explained he vetoed because it was going through the courts. The courts finally made a decision and it states:
Accordingly, in light of the conclusions we reach concerning the
constitutional questions brought to us for resolution, we determine that the
language of section 300 limiting the designation of marriage to a union "between a
man and a woman" is unconstitutional and must be stricken from the statute, and
that the remaining statutory language must be understood as making the
designation of marriage available both to opposite-sex and same-sex couples. In
addition, because the limitation of marriage to opposite-sex couples imposed be
section 308.5 can have no constitutionally permissible effect in light of the
constitutional conclusions set forth in this opinion, that provision cannot stand.
Plaintiffs are entitled to the issuance of a writ of mandate directing the
appropriate state officials to take all actions necessary to effectuate our ruling in
this case so as to ensure that county clerks and other local officials throughout the
state, in performing their duty to enforce the marriage statutes in their
jurisdictions, apply those provisions in a manner consistent with the decision of
this court. Further, as the prevailing parties, plaintiffs are entitled to their costs.

Now, I don't live in California. I can only hope that Louisiana and other states will soon follow suit, but I can't see that happening anytime soon. I might just move to California.

Also, Congratulations to Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi on their engagement!

Love,
Slayre

Abused Aries

2008-05-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Neglected,

So I haven't updated in about two days. I'm sorry. I wish I could say it will never happen again, but it probably will. I was super excited about the appointment I had two days ago, but I had to come back the next day because the transfer machine wouldn't work. I have one to two more sessions to go. Anyone have any ideas about what I'm talking about?

Aries, FreeDailyHoroscope says:
Feelings of inspiration can occur today as you experience original ideas. Make sure to have pen and paper handy as these ideas will be short-lived and you may not be able to recall all the creative details.

Slayre Says:
You're super excited today because you're coming up with great ideas. Unfortunately, there's a monkey that you bought for a friend of yours throwing wrenches at your head. You're not sure you owned all those wrenches to start with, but they're making you have short term amnesia, and you can't remember any of your ideas. You could try writing them down, but the monkey will probably just eat the paper. Here's a hint: tranq gun is to your left. Use it.
Disclaimer: Please check the dosage on the tranquilizers.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Wait till I bring him to the light.

Love,
Slayre

Picky Pisces

2008-05-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Gladiators,

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm like super excited about. I can't say what it is, but it has nothing to do with my gynecologist. If I were going to her, I'd a) not be excited and b) wouldn't be telling you about it...

Pisces, Proastro says:
You are inclined to act on some of the wilder impulses and desires you feel from time to time. You crave stimulation. If you have an inventive streak, you could make a startling discovery or breakthrough now. A strong sense of adventure combine to make this a very interesting time.

Slayre Says:
You're going to do some things (probably while intoxicated) that you've been craving to do for a while, but you didn't dare do before. You're also going to drink about 20 energy drinks, and then play with a kaleidescope, and ride a unicycle all at the same time. After that, you're going to make a stupendous soup, only to realize you don't have a sense of taste. Now everything makes sense! Now you can stop being like Kafka's Hunger Artist and eat a freakin' sandwich. After that, you'll feel like going skydiving, but the wait will be too long so you find an above ground water tower and take a jump. Aw darn... No one likes Pisces anyway...

Disclaimer: You might not die.

Fortune Cookie: It tastes great on a cracker!

Love,
Slayre

Water Please!

2008-05-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Alcoholics,

There isn't really too much for me to talk about except AMERICAN GLADIATOR IS COMING BACK ON TONIGHT!! Ok, I know, it's a weird show and the people look really grossly muscled, but have you seen Gina Carano AKA Crush? She does Mixed Martial Arts fighting with a specialization in Muay Thai and she's amazing. Watch her tonight. Your blogger commands it.

Aquarius, Yahoo Horoscope Says:
You need to pay closer attention to business transactions today -- from buying stock to using your ATM. It's not like anyone is trying to cheat you (though that's always possible), it's more about details.

Slayre Says:
Hey Yahoo, the best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. I thought I was reading a horoscope, not an advice column! Just kidding Yahoo, you know I lo..er... like you.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says won't put up any more horoscopes from sites that don't know how to write them.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You might want to get that checked.

Love,
Slayre

Legal for Liquor

2008-05-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Peoples,

It's my birthday! This calls for an imparting of knowledge.

Here's my "best of" list for alcohol. Keep in mind that my experience is limited, and most of what I've had is cheap. Disagree with my choices? Tell me about it in the comments section.

Whiskey:
Crown Royal. I don't like whiskey in general, but this is one I can tolerate.

Rum:
Parrot Bay. Ok, it doesn't taste like rum- it tastes like coconut, but it tastes amazing with coke.

Vodka:
I've had some good ones... but I can't for the life of me remember them...

Tequila:
This is a joke. There's no such thing as a good tequila. This is the Devil's Liquor!

Wine:
I really enjoy a good German Riesling. My favorite so far was a bottle of Relax.

Mixed Drink:
Amaretto Sours. This was the first alcohol that I actually enjoyed!

Beer:
Ok, I'm not a fan of traditional beers, but my favorite would be Amber Bock and I have to give a shout out for Dos Equis (XX). For non-traditional, I looooove Smirnoff Ice. Of course, since I haven't tried Sam Adams, this may all change. Since we share a name, I was saving trying it until my 21st. Guess I should go for it!

Hard Cider:
Woodchuck, all the way!

Love,
Slayre

P.S. Happy Mother's Day

Capricious Capricorn

2008-05-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Slaves,
I'm already enjoying my vacation, but it's time to start packing. I don't start my new job until the end of the month, but luckily my 'rental units are still willing to support me- at least until I graduate.

Well Capricorn, MyHoroscope says:
Planetary shifts will enable you to make the most of any opportunities coming your way. If you’re looking for inspiration over future career plans then today’s the day when you should get a flash of insight. For some Capricorns there’s a hint of a promotion or even a change of job!

Slayre Says:
You're going to have a good day at work today. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Disclaimer: This won't work if you're unemployed. Sorry you suck so bad.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Don't try to send your food back today. It's just a really bad idea.

Love,
Slayre

So Says Sagittarius

2008-05-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Kool-aid People,

Finals Hell is officially over with for now. Updates should now be more regular, like a healthy digestive system. For those of you who might want to know, I feel like I did ok. I'll let you know for sure later, when the teachers actually post my grades.

Sagittarius, Astrology-Online says:
You like to stay busy and now is your chance to do just that. Your ability to charm others will put you in the limelight at social functions. You must be extremely careful not to let relatives or friends interfere in your personal life.

Slayre says:
Forced labor is upcoming, but you're ok with that since you need the exercise anyway. What you think is charming isn't, but since you're drunk, everyone's going to encourage you to keep on doing what you're doing. Whatever you do, do not allow people to play matchmaker for you tonight. The person they have in mind will dominate you in a bad way and beat you because of their own insecurities.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says eats spouse abusers for breakfast, and it's not pleasant any of those involved.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today's show is brought to you by the letter "L."

Love,
Slayre

Sexy Scorpio

2008-05-06T03:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Mass Murderers,

I'm turning in my final art project today. Wish me luck... I'll need it.

Scorpio, DailyHoroscope says:
Keep little reminders around for you to see that will direct you toward your goals. This may be sea shells if you want to go to the ocean or stick-on-stars, if you are training to be an astronaut, or a weather forecaster, etc. As the days go flying by, you will find yourself automatically moving toward the opportunities that are required to fulfill your dreams. Your inner resources and emotions are accented. Expect a sense of support and good will from those around you. You are able to sort through most problems and find the source or cause in order to make the necessary changes. You may be able to bring a group together with words or ideas that transport others. Poetry and art may be enjoyed this evening; create these things or enjoy the reading.

Slayre Says:
Decorate your home with things that remind you what you wanted to be as a kid. An astronaut motif with what used to be real astronauts would be awesome. As the days go by, you'll get closer to your dream, if only because of your mad stalker and impersonation skills. In a turn of events, the voices have suddenly acquired an accent. It's ok though, since they're encouraging you in your dreams. You're doing pretty well with fixing all your problems. Those voices are so helpful! Like Charles Manson, you're incredibly charismatic and people listen to you. Prepare a poetry reading for some friends, but be sure not to drink the flavor-aid.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says has nothing against flavor-aid. It's the cyanide she has issues with.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You're so cool.
Love,
Slayre

Lazy Libra

2008-05-05T03:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Hiatus,

Only 3 more days of finals Hell and then I'll be done for the semester. I'll be posting on a when-I-have-time basis, so updates might be sketchy. Wish me luck!

Libra, AstroAdvice says:
Fix up your place or move to a better location. Sort out what needs to be organized financially, legally or mentally. You can make gains if you don't neglect the very things that can help you prosper. The Moon is in Taurus resulting in a day of getting back exactly what you deserve. The time to make changes is now if you want to move to stable ground.

Slayre Says:
You know you should really fix all the holes in your walls and the sinking pit of doom in your living room, but wouldn't it be easier to lose your deposit and just move out? I mean, you'll be blacklisted for any other reasonably priced apartment, but you had to hide the body somehow, right? Figure out which method is cheaper for you, and do that. If you think about it, you could sell what remains of the remains on the black market, and it'll all pay for itself, and you'll get a little profit. The bull next door has a huge kidney stone, but this means you'll get a pretty nifty kidney stone for your collection. Really, fix your floor before you kill yourself...

Disclaimer: Killing is bad!

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today is a good day to sign up for various classes you've wanted to take for awhile.

Seriously, this isn't funny:

Ok, maybe it is funny.

Love,
Slayre

Sorry Guys

2008-05-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,
I'm not really going to have time to post anything until Saturday since I have to watch some foreign films and finish writing papers. I think this will set up a precedent for finals and midterms- Hiatus until I'm allowed to sleep again.

Love,
Slayre

Virgo Goes to Work

2008-04-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Napkin Users,

Three hours of sleep... rough draft due... nothing written...

Virgo, dailyhoroscope.com says:
Think seriously about your work this morning and what you have learned and how far you can grow within the company. If you want to stay, do not hesitate to present your ideas. If you want to move forward in your profession, privately write down some definite goals. You may decide that now is the time to further your education. Most of the time your capabilities do not match your present status; it is time to reassess. Whatever you decide; now is the time to get down to business with your personal plans? If you have not gotten a health check yet, you may want to schedule one when you can. If you start school or decide to change jobs, time off now would be a good idea. Best friends will support your ideas.

Slayre Says:
You seriously need to reassess your current job. If you like where you're at, keep at it and present your ideas to your boss. Just know that any good ideas will be pigeonholed and you won't receive any of the credit, leaving you depressed and without the hoped for promotion. You should probably go back to school, since your current skill set is antiquated and essentially worthless in this quickly advancing technical world. It's not really important what you decide, as long as you make a decision, you indecisive OCD sufferer. You should probably go see a doctor, especially if your lover is a Leo. Take a vacation. Your friends will buy the beer. OK, maybe just the first round of it.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is not qualified to give job advice.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Make sure you can get it out before you put it in.

Love,
Slayre

Leprous Leo

2008-04-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Grail Seekers,

Well, it's almost the end of the semester. I think most of you will find that all of this week's blog posts will be quite short. That's mostly because my teachers are evil. Ok, they're not really evil, but sometimes it feels like it. As soon as it's light here (in about three hours) I'll be putting together my portfolio for art, and trust me, it's not pretty...

Leo, Free Horoscope Daily says:

Information that will result in a noticeable improvement to your wellbeing will be revealed to you today. It will come in the form of a very subtle change in your diet. It could be something as simple as removing a food from your daily regimen or adding one to it. Many during this time will invest in a juicer or begin drinking a glass of wine with their meal in order to recharge and revitalize their health.

Slayre Says:

Today you'll get the test results back. You have an STD. With knowledge comes the chance to improve it, so you're going to try the herbal route to healing. Rosemary might do it for you, but probably not. Many of you who finally find out what you have will start drinking wine at your meals. Or possibly having meals with their wine. No, vodka does not count as potatoes in a bottle.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says claims no knowledge of herbs or other holistic healing techniques.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Keep napkins on hand.

Love,
Slayre

Aw man... it's Cancer again!

2008-04-28T01:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Super Women,

Well, it's Dead Week. Really, this doesn't mean much, other than every assignment in the freakin' world is due this week. I'll be busy writing a paper for English class, and yet again I'll be writing it from an Anthropologist's perspective rather than a philosopher's perspective as we're supposed to. Next week is finals. Oddly enough, I really enjoy finals since there's no class. I should really find out when my finals are scheduled... oops.

Cancer, 12sign says:
Your personal quest has put you out of touch for the past couple of days. Demands from a personal relationship may require you to make a decision today. Put a lot of thought into this decision and do not take it lightly. It could have a significant effect on the path you take in the future.

Slayre Says:
Your failed quest for the holy grail has taken you out of what you should have been doing for the past couple of days. The reason you can't find it is because you've gotten a lot of demands from your love on the side, and you're going to have to decide whether to give in to their demands, or just kill them. You should really think hard about this because remember, it's not fun to hide the body. Remember, nine out of ten bodies are never found in the Honey Island Swamp.

Disclaimer: A creepy lady I once worked with told me about the swamp thing. A) How does she know? B) I can't actually vouch for it because I haven't reached ten bodies yet.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Double the weight.

Love,
Slayre

Super Woman Saturday

2008-04-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Doms,

As most of you guys know, I'm a feminist, and by that I mean I "advocate social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men." I don't hate men. That's not feminism, that's chauvinism. But I really love to see women beat men, especially in traditionally all male competitions. Let's take a look at a few great women.

Danica Patrick is the first woman to win an IndyCar race. She won first place last Sunday in the Japan 300. Seriously, how great is that? Before this, she'd been plauged with questions of when she was going to actually win (and sexist remarks by her competitors). She was even awarded rookie of the year, without winning any races. Many wondered if her popularity was based on her attractiveness (similar to Anna Kournikova, who never really won anything.) I could see where people might get that, since she's really hot:

But this woman kicks some ass! Thanks Danica!
Note: Danica will be racing tomorrow at the Kansas Speedway. Let's all root for her!

In the music world, I've listened to a lot of great bands. There have been times when I've told people to listen to certain bands and was then told "I don't listen to chick bands." Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with that if it'd only happened once or twice, but I've gotten it a lot, and it's not something I understand. It's not like they're rejecting a genre, such as opra or rap, they're rejecting a huge chunk of incredibly great music based on the fact that the band members have a vagina, and that makes no sense to me. Anyway, to get away from my ranting (which could go on for hours if I let it), I'll just post a great band, and let you have at it.

Any of you that have ridden in my car will have heard this band, because I love them that damn much:
Magneta Lane

These girls aren't super famous (They should be...), but they did get signed after only a year of being together. I know that no matter how much I rant and rave, their music will do a better job of selling it, so just click on the link above their picture and take a peak at their myspace.

Well, I've got an art project to finish. I'll be back Monday.

Love,
Slayre

Guess Who? Oh, it's just Gemini...

2008-04-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Beaners,

TGIF. That is all.

Gemini, Dailyhoroscopes says:

You are a great doer, an accomplisher when you want to be. Your outgoing nature and skillful ways of handling other people make you a natural for working with the public. You would make an excellent teacher or coach and helping others to make career decisions is a skill you possess. Your career is never a problem, for you have the kind of drive about which others can only dream. The day works out well for you--you can smile at the other people who might have told you differently. You are interested in group gatherings this evening and may find yourself involved in a chamber music recital or group sports or an event that takes the cooperation of many. Depending on the weather you find yourself in the middle of some fun action this evening.

Slayre Says:

You're one manipulative bastard, but you get things done. You can get all sorts people to become your minions easily, and that includes small children and sports teams as well as the unemployed. You've got a job right now, which, you know, is great and all. Most of the other bums you know don't have jobs and they live in their parents' basements. You use the smile-and-nod technique often because you know what? It works for you. You're going to go to a group gathering, but be very careful not to forget your safe word. Seriously, don't let them gag you because you're going to want to use your safe word, especially if it's raining. Just trust me on this one.

Disclaimer: Nope. None today. Go have fun sweetie.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Glue tastes good, but clogs the bowels.

Love,
Slayre

Taurus Thursday Again!

2008-04-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Birdie,

It's getting pretty close to the end of the semester. Dead week's next week. It's a pretty neat idea, but most teachers use it as a time for tests, which is not the idea behind dead week...

Anyway, Taurus, Cafeastrology says:

You are becoming more energetic and resourceful in your ability to increase personal finances. Greater secrecy surrounds your monetary affairs. You have learned from the past that family and certain other people may try to borrow funds from you.

Slayre Says:

You're fairly certain that energy drinks are actually an investment. You're almost positive that if you never sleep again, that it will give you more time to earn money. Of course, you can't tell anyone how you're making your current money, since it's technically illegal. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Be sure not to tell anyone that you have money since they'll try to borrow it. Live like a prostitute and they'll never know. Oh, sorry that's your job... didn't mean to spill the beans...

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not support or encourage prostitution or any other illegal activities.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Be careful when you're tuning your guitar. Popping strings are upcoming.

Love,
Slayre

Aries: Conqueror of Baby Birds and Prostitutes!

2008-04-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Cake of the Pan,

I slept 11 hours last night. It feels weird since on I generally only get 4-5 hours of sleep.

Yesterday I managed to break my phone, and then get it replaced for free. I was expecting to have to pay a minimum of about $50, but I'm glad it didn't because now I can eat for the rest of the week.

Anyway, Aries, Eastrolog.com says:

You will manage to get along very well with everybody, and everything will go as planned.
You may run into an old acquaintance who will invite you to a party.
You will have the opportunity to clear an old sentimental issue. Be honest and admit your own mistakes!

Slayre Says:

Today you will have a good day. Way better than yesterday when you went to use that pay phone because you broke your cellphone in the ghetto and a little baby bird fell out of the ceiling when you closed the door. You thought you'd have to take care of it the rest of it's life, and you even got a cup with a napkin in it to carry it, but then you realized it's dead. Then you saw a prostitute and realized the reason that the phone booth smelled so bad was because that STD ridden prostitute had been using it as a lavatory. You know, that day really sucked.

Disclaimer: This is a true story, but maybe not for you.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Beware the curb.

Love,
Slayre

Pisces of your Heart

2008-04-22T04:18:00.000-07:00

Dear L7,

Sorry for the dreadful pun in the title. My brain's officially fried, and it's only Tuesday. I've been working on my final art project and ignoring English. I need to actually get the book we're reading from and try to catch up by this weekend. As far as art goes, I've done some crappy sketches that I'm actually pleased with. I used a good friend of mine for a model, with some dramatic lighting, turned them black and white, and increased the contrast and the result was some photos that I feel are artsy enough to work with.

Pisces, Yahoo.com says:

You're likely to hit the ground running today as there's bound to be a lot to do. Emails, letters, phone calls, messages given and received can have you on the trot. In fact, you may need to keep notes of what's going on, if things get a little frantic. If this doesn't sound like you today, take a look at what's going on in your mind and heart. If you have recently turned your back on a relationship or on someone or something, you might find that it's on the cards and right around the corner. The Sabian Symbol is A Person Turning Their Back Teaches Deep Wisdom From Their Experience. We come out of situations wiser, at least that's the hope!

Slayre Says:

You have a lot to do today, so where some good running shoes and be very careful not to turn an ankle. A sprain could cause death or possible inconvenience. Checklists will help. Write it on the sole of your running shoe. If this isn't what's going on today, it's possible you're not really a pisces. If you're tired of your relationship, it's time for a breakup. It's in the cards. I Can Capitalize For No Reason If I Feel Like It. If you don't learn from your experiences, you're either a vegetable or an idiot.

Disclaimer: Please remember to dispose of all wheelchairs properly after you eat your vegetables.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Pancakes please!

Aquarius Magical Monday

2008-04-21T03:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Dip,
Well, it's Monday again. I hope you had a good weekend without my lovely words to entertain you. For those of you who knew about my ethnography class, you'll be pleased to know that I finally finished my ethnography on gays in the media. I suppose this means I can stop watching Logo, but I probably won't. Not until the beginning of next month when I'm cancelling the extra cable channels for finals. Speaking of extra stuff, I managed to short out yet another power adapter to my computer. (Yay warranty!) This time, I can honestly say it's my fault since I spilled wine on it. No, I wasn't drunk. I was just being soberly clumsy.

My new roommate and I have a bet going to see if either of us can go a week without video games. It started about five hours ago and I'm still going strong. This is actually the first time I've thought about it, but that's probably because I've been working on the final art project pre-sketches. I have no real direction other than I have about 90 pictures of my best friend that I took late last night for this purpose. I should probably stop drawing and think about it, but if I do that, I'll get way behind and my art teacher might want to kill me then.

Anyway, Aquarius, horoscopes.hm says:
Check your plans out with Aries and Gemini. Consider the wishes of a partner before making any decisions. Count on the number 7. Great leaps forward are foreseen in life, in career, in your love department, and financial matters. Refuse to be budged from any perch you have been occupying lately, philosophically. Study, learn, and ask questions. Think things out completely before taking any action.

Slayre Says:
You should definitely read other people's horoscopes since yours is pretty much worthless. Think about what any of your multiple partners might like tonight before you buy that new sex toy. After you finally decide which toy to get, get out the sidewalk chalk and draw an "L" and then rotate yourself until it becomes a seven. You know it's still an "L" and you even know what it stands for, but you can pretend, right? Now, stand on the 7/L and start counting. As you skip 40-49, you'll realize that the partner that you bought the sex toy for has been hinting at leaving you and taking both your other lovers and your life savings. If only you hadn't linked your savings to your joint bank account... You've been reading a lot of philosophy lately and you should really keep it up. One day, you might even understand a little of it. You need to be very thorough in your thought processes, but remember to eat at some point during your ponderings. Starvation is not a fun way to die.

Disclaimer: Please get tested regularly for STD's from your multiple partners.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: When electrocuted, eat sandwich.

Once again, having trouble uploading a picture. Sorry. I'll try to fix it later.

Love,
Slayre

Double Dip Friday

2008-04-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Melty,

Ok, so I didn't post yesterday. Sorry. As an aside, I got into a bicycle crash yesterday. Yes, that's right. A near head on collision with another bicyclist. Basically what happened is I was riding happily along, and this chick came around a curve, and instead of pulling to her right as is logical, she screamed (she had time to scream, but not to think?) and pulled to her left. I was turning to my right since you know, that's the side she wasn't on but we crashed anyway. No injuries occurred, but seriously, if you don't know how to ride a bike, then just don't do it. Unless you're a kid, then it's allowed. Also, don't scream instead of thinking. I think that's a new pet peeve of mine.

To make up for the missed post yesterday, there'll be not one but two horoscopes today. I'll even make them both for today's date. Enjoy.

Sagittarius, Freehoroscopesdaily says:
This is a day where you may feel the urge to get back at someone. Instead of sending a box of melted chocolates or wilted flowers, don't stoop to anyone's level. Hang onto your self-respect and just go on as if they didn't exist without giving a second thought to it.

Slayre Says:
Today is the day for revenge. Sorry, I lied. Today is not a day for revenge. Instead of doing something that seems nice but isn't, send someone a midget. Midgets are nice, and they will do any stooping necessary. You might ask if that's a little discriminatory. Yeah, definitely, but as long as you don't have to send the poop shaped chocolate yourself, does it really matter?

Capricorn, the same people said:
This is a low stress day as you realize that your fears were not based on fact. Some people say that worrying is pointless because it doesn't change anything. If worrying prompts a person to positive action, then worrying can do some good. But in your particular situation, your worrying just kept you in a constant state of stress which has been removed today.

Slayre Says:
Today, you will relax because you realize you have a phobia, but not for long. The phobia will cause tension because it's chasing you. Yeah, now you not only have a phobia, but you're getting paranoid too. People keep telling you to chill, but have you ever seen someone who has OCD really relax? You tell them that your condition makes you more productive, but I don't think they believe you. In fact, I hear them whispering about you. Right now. Don't worry, that shot the doctor gave you will be kicking in any minute now, and then we'll put you in a nice I-Love-Me jacket.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not encourage servitude of midgets, or taunting people with mental problems. Mostly.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and do both at once.

Check it out: Double the pictures.

Love, Slayre

Scorpio Says

2008-04-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Kruger's Baby Momma,

Today's post is going to be pretty short. There's only about a month left of the semester, and that means that all the assignments my teachers have been talking about all semester are due within the next few weeks. This means extra stress even though in general, I've already started the assignments. I'm not very far in on any of them, so I have a lot to do. I'll try to be consistent here, but we'll have to see how it goes.

Infospace.com says:
This is the start of a repositioning period among the people in your social circle. Folks are shifting alliances and old friendship ties are breaking -- but just temporarily speaking. It's perfectly natural for people to want to mix up who they spend their time with, so do not worry that this is the end of something. The strong bonds that hold you all together are all still there, they just might be arranged a little differently for the next few weeks.

Slayre Says:
Your friends hate you. It's ok, it happens. They're probably still pissed about you super-gluing everyone's hands to each other's thighs. Seriously though, if you ever do it again, you'll find yourself at the bottom of a river with concrete shoes smeared in catfish bait.

Disclaimer: Super Glue not intended for human consumption.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Snow always melts.

Love,
Slayre

Libras have all the Luck

2008-04-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Cat Lovers,

It looks like another busy day due to previous procrastination for me again. I thought about skipping out on you, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm having an affair with another blog. Don't worry baby, I'm committed to you...and all the others. Just joking. There's only you.. Oh come on, don't give the silent treatment! You know there's only you! Fine! I'll just do Libra's horoscope. Libra still loves me!

Libra, Astroadvice.com says:
You will be in a bit of a dream world. Before you start to implement your ideas, make sure they are feasible. Take things one step at a time. Love is in the stars if you make love, not war. The Moon is in Virgo and the time to put more effort into detail and intelligence is now. Helping others in a courageous manner will bring positive results not to mention unexpected rewards.

Slayre Says:
Today is the day you've feared your entire life. Freddy Kruger is here! There, right behind you! Don't be too quick to try kill him since he'll just kill you do. You see, Freddy doesn't want to kill anyone today; he's just looking for some lovin'. Pay close attention to his wants and needs and you and your friends will get out alive. Expect a pregnancy, especially if you're a guy. How gorgeous will that love baby be?

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not own the copyright to Freddy Kruger or affiliated creepies. No copyright infringement intended.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: There's a sale you should go to.

Love,
Slayre

Virgo Vagaries

2008-04-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Bob Saget,

We're going back to the regular schedule of horoscopes. As you might be able to tell from the title, Virgo is up for today. If you get a minute, leave a comment suggesting what to do for the next super special post. I found out recently that apparently I do have a few readers, so you guys are just really quiet. Come on baby, don't give me the silent treatment!

Virgo, dailyhoroscopes.com says:
You may have to hold your breath and count to ten before you answer someone today. We all have times we would like to say what we think, but you are happier with the outcome when you go with the count-to-ten-method. This may not be a time to make business or work decisions. It is however, important to keep a close eye on your systems and schedules and stick to them! The work you do and the way you take care of health and other mundane obligations are important keys to your best potentials; in many respects. This is an ideal time to kick off a new fitness routine or accelerate a current one. What a wonderful time it is now to spend with loved ones and family. Smile! Relationships are most meaningful at this time.

Slayre Says:
In the words of Blair Waner: "Turn Blue." Auto erotic asphyxiation is fun, and also when you're holding your breath, it's not possible to say anything stupid that your Mistress will need to punish you for. Unless you want to be punished, then go right ahead. Do yourself a favor and stay in the same rut you've been in for the past few months and don't try to make any work like decisions. That includes re-negotiating how much you pay your Mistress per session. If you keep doing the same thing, that random girl down the hall will say you're steady and "her rock." Today is the ideal time to start up or step up that work out routine of yours, and by ideal, I mean you absolutely need to. Those love handles? Not lovely. Now is an excellent time to start a meaningful relationship, because you know those other relationships didn't mean anything and you're going to therapy just for fun.

Disclaimer: Consult a physician before you start a new workout routine. Unless that routine consists of just standing and walking around the house once in awhile. Your couch aches. Give it a break.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: That wasn't chicken.

Normally I try to tie in the picture in some random way, but today I just couldn't be bothered.

Love,
Slayre

Super Sunday!

2008-04-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Agoraphobics,

I've been promising a super special post for a few days now, so this is it. I wandered around campus and other public restrooms, and I took the ten most amusing graffiti and now I'm presenting it for your viewing pleasure. Here they are, in no particular order:

1.) You look like a wet beaver.
2.) I hope it's all coming out alright!
3.) I love P.O.O.
4.) If you want a nation of "pure people" buy an island and start the incest!
5.) I love you long time!
6.) Kilroy was here.
7.) I'm looking for a partner who's enjoys long walks on the beach and pina coladas. ###-###-2865
8.) Unloading... please wait.
9.) Oh, Bob Saget!
10.) Frodo Lives!

I was looking for some pictures, and found some of the same graffiti. I guess LSU isn't that special. As an aside, it's really hard to find graffiti in the main buildings! Nice work LSU Custodial staff!

And by special request, Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Beware the Vietnamese prostitute. She's got crabs.

Love,
Slayre

Saturday Movie Review

2008-04-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Special,

So it's Saturday, and I finished with Test Hell. So I promised a super-special blog post for today, but unfortunately it's only going to be a little special. Tomorrow will be super special. I've already started to do the research for it.

The past couple of weeks I've gone and seen two movies: 21 and Nim's Island. To save you the trouble of going to a site such as Rottentomatoes, I'll just post my own reviews.

21:
This movie comes off as a spy film without the spies for me. No, there's no extreme stunts, but the word "espionage" does comes to mind. For those of you who haven't seen the commercials, a few numerically minded people form a team to count cards in black jack to earn large amounts of money in Las Vegas. It's a good plot line, but the acting was lacking for me. I couldn't connect with the main character and some of their reactions seemed a little unreal. What confused me most is that they always seemed to go to the same casino. Wouldn't you want to gyp more than one casino? The movie had an excellent soundtrack though, and I liked that the end kept me guessing.

Slayre Says: 3 and a half out of five.

Nim's Island:

This is one of those cutesy little heartfelt films that once seen, sticks with you for at least a week. The basic plot line is that a girl and her scientist father live on an undisclosed island while the father searches for a new species of protozoa. The father leaves Nim on the island for a few days to see a "once in a lifetime" event, and of course, he gets caught in a storm and is lost at sea. While he's missing, Nim's favorite author starts emailing with Nim to find information on the volcano that's on the island. Through a series of events, Nim gets injured and Jodi Foster's agoraphobic character finds herself flying out to take care of Nim. Overall, the film was quite good and Jodie Foster's acting was superb. Her facial expressions kept me laughing throughout the film. The only complaints I have are that it seemed like Jodi's character got to the island entirely too quickly, and he ending was anticlimactic. It didn't seem realistic, but what do I know? Then again, suspension of reality is important for movies and books.

Slayre Says: 4 and a half stars out of five.

Love,

Slayre

Super... Aw

2008-04-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Neglected,
You might notice there was no update yesterday, or today. You might even notice that there's not going to be an update tomorrow. It's because I have a test tomorrow that I've been studying intensively for. Yeah, I should already know all the material, but the fact is I've been slacking. I promise I'll do better next semester.

As a result of not having updates for a whole three days, I'll be having two super special updates this weekend. If you have any suggestions as what they should be on, leave a comment! Otherwise you'll just be getting some thing out of my sick, twisted mind, and we all know how that goes...

So, wish me luck on my test!

Love, Slayre

Lucky Leo

2008-04-08T01:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mind Controlled Zombies,

Today, I found out that Charlton Heston died on the 5th. So I guess that means that he can't be president, and we can now pry his gun from his cold dead fingers. Rest in Piece Chuck.

Leo, Astrologycom.com says (seriously, it's short, but with a website name like that I had to use it.):
One of your business partners or an important client is not too receptive to your more imaginative and creative plans. It's best to stick to business as planned or else risk disappointing someone. Fortunate colors are mustard yellow and dark green. Lucky numbers are 18 and 6.

Slayre Says:
Today, your new ideas to start building those killer roller coasters isn't likely to happen. In fact, keep your ideas to yourself or else they're gonna send you to the loony hospital. I'm not talking about the nice hospitals that are like day camps either. I'm talking about the shock therapy type where if the patients manage to escape they kill the doctors and eat their brains. Sort of similar to that haunted house you went to a few years back and bailed out half way through because you needed new underpants. As far as fortunate colors, mustard yellow and dark green will be good for you, but those colors are for eating, not wearing. Seriously, you need to eat more vegetables. Your lucky numbers are 18 and 6. If you see them a lot, prepare for the police to come and take you away because those numbers are the ritual numbers for the recent serial killings. Unfortunately, you share the same sign with a wack job. In fact, you'll probably end up in the same mental hospital. You know which one I'm talking about.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is ok with mental hospitals as long as they don't shock their patients.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and do your homework for once.
Love,
Slayre

Cancer Relapse

2008-04-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dear lolcatz,

It's Monday, and here I am once again sitting at work. Of course, what I should really be doing instead of this is either reading "The Human Stain" by Phillip Roth or finish drawing my Mayan Sacrificial Kids' Camp for art. I'll probably be ritually sacrificed myself for saying this, but I really hate kids. Which is a great concept when my summer job is working at a day camp...

Cancer, Infospace.com says:
Today, the people you will be encountering are going to be more receptive to your suggestions than you would have assumed at first glance -- so don't give up on negotiations and don't give up on pushing for what you want. They are closer to coming around to your way of thinking than you might realize. Do not give in to their demands. Flexing your muscles like this is going to feel good, and it's going to show the world that you are someone to take seriously.

Slayre Says:
You've finally finished your mind control ray! Woot! Just make sure you've worked out all the kinks, or else it will malfunction temporarily. Don't give up though! It's nearing perfection. If you can't get it to work though, react like the US government and then show off your killer body. Actually, don't. It's not as impressive as you think it is when you look in the mirror... in the dark... when you're drunk.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is against free will. I mean, mind control.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today, you will climb an insurmountable mountain... in bed.

Love,
Slayre

P.S. Is it bad that I make cancer jokes? I mean, it's entirely too easy...

Jittery Gemini

2008-04-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Beauty Queens,

So, apparently between my two shifts at the front desk, it was pretty exciting. Basically some guys were rough housing and set off the fire alarm and hence the sprinkler system. The basement flooded again. I really feel sorry for the people that live in the basement because they're regularly flooded. I'm glad I was off sleeping on someone's couch during that time though.

Freehoroscopedaily.com says:
You will think of new and promising ideas in your work or business. Today is the day to start any new ventures. You are able to see things clearly and the combination of your creativeness and mental acuity will obtain the results you are looking for.

Slayre Says:
Today you'll think of some ideas for work, too bad they'll be so unrealistic even the office ditz looks at you funny. You'll lose your job over your whacked out ideas, so today is a great day for a new start! You're really going to need your mental acuity, so be sure to take your non-drowsy Allegra.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says doesn't support pharmaceuticals of any sort. She uses them for comedic effect only.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: An interesting monetary occurrence will happen to you.

I found you a good picture, but then I lost it:

Love,
Slayre

Taurus Thursday

2008-04-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Lead Feet.

I'm ignoring Geology 1001 for you, so feel loved. Ok, maybe I'm not quite ignoring Geology... I'm just multitasking. It's almost cheating, but not quite, 'cause baby, you're special.

Cafeastrology.com says:
Now is a great time to take it easy and allow events to unfold with a minimum of input from you. In other words, don't worry about how your life is going. Instead, get out there and have some fun! Lighthearted socializing and playful banter is exactly what you need at the moment. Avoid conflicts of any kind, and don't forget to smile!

Slayre Says:
Today is a day to be a slacker. Don't worry about that test, or that work presentation. Someone else will do it! Join a beauty contest and finally use what that vaseline is really meant for! Your teeth! Geez, what were you thinking? It's to remind you to smile in that beauty contest you just joined.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not necessarily think you will win that beauty contest she just told you to participate in.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Let's get ready to rumble!

Love,
Slayre

Full Circle

2008-04-02T02:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Trials,

So we've been through all of the horoscopes, and it's time to start over. Logically, I should start with Taurus, but I won't. I'll be starting with Aries and going in the "proper" order from there.

So Aries, today is your day. Dailyhoroscopes.com says:

As much as you like to be unencumbered, you may find yourself slowed from making any real progress as far as goals are concerned. At this time you will find that your greatest successes come in conquering your doubts. You will succeed by your willingness to complete whatever you have begun. Your intuition is strong--let it guide you. Understanding more about your individuality can be one of the most positive experiences in your life and it empowers you to learn more about other people as well. This is all a question of balancing yourself through mind, body and soul. This is a quest that is truly worthwhile. Children have an extraordinary ability to love unconditionally. If possible, allow a child’s spirit to occupy your time this evening.

Slayre Says:

Some one slipped some lead in your shoes so you're going to drag your feet. Knowledge is power. You'll do ok as long as you're willing to work, because no bum has success with anything other than being a bum! Today is a day for self exploration. Don't try exploring yourself with a hamster though. Again, today is a day for acting childish.

Disclaimer: Seriously? C'mon.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today you will encounter a person.

Love,

Slayre

Happy Severed Arm Day!

2008-04-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Fools,

I feel as if I should do something for April Fools' Day, but dropping a fake severed arm drenched in fake blood at my best friend's door is the extent of my creativity in that matter.

Capricorn, Aboutastro.com says:
Forget about the trials and tribulations you've had to deal with in the last 24 hours. You may be thrown into a difficult situation at work today. Try to stay calm and listen to both sides of the story. Your fair judgment will be greatly appreciated.

Slayre Says:
You've had a rough day, but just forget about it. It was all about something stupid you did as a kid anyway. Stupid LSD stuck in your spinal cord... Work is going to suck today. If you panic, you'll lose your job, so don't do that.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not support, encourage, or deal LSD or any other drugs.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Watch where you step for there are severed arms lying around.

Here's a pretty picture for you:

Love,
Slayre

Gemini Gems

2008-03-31T02:57:00.000-07:00

Goooood Morning!

I'm writing this post on my own computer for once, thanks best buy for finally fixing my screen. I get to write this listening to the soundtrack of interviews I had to do for my Ethnography class. Imagine writing horoscopes while listening to a discussion about homosexuals in the media.

Ok Gemini, here you go. Astroadvice.com says:

You can pick up valuable information that will allow you to help someone from whom you need a favor. Make a change at home and you will rid yourself of some of the tension you've been facing. An older individual will reveal some family background.

The Moon is in Aquarius making this an ideal time to develop something that you think there is a need for. Your inventive mind will aid you in coming up with something interesting.

Slayre Says:
You're going to find a magical legendary treasure map today. Fix that one poster that's been hanging crooked, and your OCD will finally leave you alone. Listening to your grandparent's rambling will finally reveal why your parents are so strange.

The Moon is in Aquarius. You should probably bring them to the hospital since it's pretty painful to have a rock half the size of earth inside of you. Refuse to help them until you can get them to agree to what you want. If you don't have a previous argument, now is the time to come up with some past dirt.

Disclaimer: Do not try to remove the Moon yourself. Leave it to professionals.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Sign up at the desk.

Here are some sexy twins for you:

Love,
Slayre Says

Hmm

2008-03-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,
I've decided that updating everyday is a little too time consuming. Yeah, these only take at most a half hour to put together, but multiply that by seven and that's time that I could be doing homework, or eating, or most importantly, sleeping.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering: Don't I love you any more? Of course I do! It's not you, it's me. I promise this will not lead to bed death. I'm still committed to you. I swear.

Updates will now be five times a week, Monday through Friday, and if I feel like it, some Saturdays. In fact, random Saturday posts won't have horoscopes. It'll be something better... or at least different.

Love,
Slayre

Submissive Scorpio

2008-03-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Earthquake inducer,

Ah Saturday, how I love you. It's a good day to just sleep in and finish digesting Friday's alcohol.

Scorpio, Tarot.com says:

Your key planet Mars is not a happy camper today and he might attempt to spread his ill will to you. Fortunately, your common sense can be a great ally, enabling you to resist the temptation to lash out at someone. Others deserve the truth, but it's healthier to save it for a couple of days and deliver it under less stressful conditions.

Slayre Says:

You know that huge guy down the street? The one named Mars? Today is not the day to confront him about his odor. Good thing that there's that other guy. You know, your therapist. Feel free to yell at him until you lose your voice. I mean, Mars really does need to know that he reeks, but it'll be better to tell him after he gets off the 'roids.

Disclaimer: Mars is only going to claim that he's not taking them. He'll sneak them constantly, just like the junkie he is.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and don't mix your colors.

This picture was part of an AIDS campaign:

How messed up is that?

Love,
Slayre

Aquarius Angst

2008-03-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Dieters,

I missed yesterday's post. I'm sorry. Normally I'd at least try to make it up to you, but I have a five page paper I need to write by 9 am today. Sorry!

So, Aquarius, beliefnet.com says:
The planetary action is in your 2nd House of Self-Work and your core values are being shaken. The harder you try to hold on to an old opinion, the more complex everything gets. You may not change your position easily, but seeing the light of truth can impact your perspective immediately. Don't waste any energy trying to defend a worn-out point of view. Embrace new ideas to improve the overall quality of your life.

Slayre Says:
EARTHQUAKE!! RUUUUUUN! ... ahem. You're being stubborn, but you really just need to accept that you're wrong. Try some whiskey. Makes ya feel better!

Disclaimer: Alcoholism is not cool.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today, you will see your lucky number multiple times. This is a good omen.

This picture made me laugh.

Sorry for the shortness!

Love,
Slayre

Pisces the

2008-03-26T03:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Cake Eaters,

Writing papers is hell.

Here ya go Pisces, in honor of the random guy in Blockbuster who might have been hitting on us, but it's hard to tell because it was just that weird. Seriously, who asks "What's your sign?"

...I digress. Dailyhoroscopes.com says:

Problems and obstacles that have previously been confounding should find easy explanations under your keen examination today. This is a good time to present yourself to others in business propositions or in requesting a raise in income. You may also be asserting a greater need for independence in a relationship now. Do not let your dreams run wild--run a reality check once in a while. A repair problem on the home front, car or home, may need some tender loving care--repair work. You might save some money by investing some time in a class or in doing some apprentice work with a carpenter, plumber or mechanic. Your romantic life will improve quickly as you lend a listening ear and positive feedback to that special someone you love.

Slayre Says:

You're going to stare at a wall, trying to find a way through, and suddenly realize the door was right in front of you. You're having a good hair day; time for a raise! Ask your sweetheart to let you go bowling tonight, but don't expect that s/he'll let you go. Remember to change your oil, since you haven't done it since you purchased the car. Prepare for engine sludge. Extra napkins anyone? You could save money by gyping the plumber by following him around for a few days and attempting to do the same thing as him, sans butt crack. Remember when you asked to go bowling? Not happening, your SO has other plans for you.

Disclaimer: Please consult your doctor before starting any new diets or excersize programs.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Prepare for panic attacks.

Love,
Slayre

Leo Limited

2008-03-25T01:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Peep Microwavers,

Why do people feel like if they have to get up in the middle of the night to do their job, they think it's ok to take it out on whoever they happen to run into? Thanks random maintenance guy. Just so you know, I wasn't helpful because you're an asshole.

Anyway, Leo, AOL Horoscope says:

Temptations of over-indulgence can create complications with a family member, so don't let your natural pride turn this into a personal issue. Push past your gut response and think about someone else's point of view before you get angry enough to defend your perspective. Hostility won't solve anything, while sensitivity can turn the entire situation around.

Slayre Says:

Someone else is going to eat that last piece of cake that you've been craving all day and you're going to get really angry about it. Just stop for a second and you'll realize they need the calories more than you. You need to lose weight anyway.

Disclaimer: This one only works if you have cake. So go buy or make one!

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Travelling to the will bring you great rewards.

Love,
Slayre

Happy Birthday... Sagittarius?

2008-03-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Chocolate Bunny Murderers,

So I've decided, birthday wishes on cement is fun. Happy Birthday to my Aries friend who's ID I stole! (Not that you're reading :-P)

So, Sagittarius, astrologyzine.com says:

Today a little playfulness could help you find more happiness. Sentimental sayings may be what you hear or read today. You may spend some time with a person who caters to your comfort or your tastes. Your feelings may go out to one who needs some loving but has none. An intimate dinner and relaxing drinks might lead to a sensual dessert. Beware that you and a partner could come into conflict over control of money or possessions.

Slayre Says:

Act like a little kid and say the cheesiest things you can think of. They'll think it's cute for about five minutes. Make sure you visit your enabler and that ugly girl from fifth grade. Dress like Mango from SNL and you'll have it made, but don't talk about money and possessions. You know it's all your Sugar Daddy's anyway.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true depending on if you're lucky enough to have a Sugar Daddy, and I'm not talking about the candy.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Oo... you don't even want to know...

Love,
Slayre

P.S. I woke up this morning and realized I didn't even know what part of the year coincides with what sign. Oops, some astro-guru I am!

Libra Liberation!

2008-03-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Non-existent Readers,

Just so everyone knows, I'm officially a genius. I managed to drive an hour and a half from my house before realizing I'd left my school ID there. LSU uses the ID's for everything, including getting into my dorm and meal plans... Luckily, my mom's already planning to come up on Tuesday, but if I stop posting, it's because I didn't make it.

Eastrolog.com says:
Libra-
In the morning you may learn about the illness of a relative and be very upset about this.
You might be unable to focus very well, therefore you are advised to avoid making major decisions.
You are advised to avoid controversies with an elder woman.

Slayre Says:
Unless you're sociopathic, you should be upset about what your grandma says to you. Don't worry though, she's just been diagnosed with turret's. You're going to take Ambien again, and this is the perfect excuse to avoid any decision making. In fact, you've been dipping into the Ambien so often your friends are starting to call you Ambien Andy... even if Andy's not your name. Whatever you do, don't piss off your other grandma. She'll be too glad to write you out of her will.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true, depending on the strength of the Ambien you're taking.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Would you like to give someone a gift?

Love,
Slayre

This goes out to all the people who have... erm... are Cancer

2008-03-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Paper Work Filers,

Best Buy once again has possession of my computer, but hopefully I can still do this on a daily basis. I tried looking up different websites for today's daily horoscope but apparently my family has blocked anything "new age/occult." I don't know what that's about...

Luckily for you, dear Cancer, I have been receiving daily horoscopes in my email! Here you go. Sorry it's so short. It's ok though since nobody likes Cancer anyway.

Astrology.com says:

Today's focus should be on the home. That could mean repairing leaks, making nice with the neighbors or gathering the family for a big talk. Your energy is just right for taking it seriously.

Slayre Says:

Your house is going to fall over. Beg your neighbors and family for help. They can see you're desperate.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true, depending on if you have family or neighbors.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie says : Today, you will find the love of your life. Too bad bestiality's illegal.

Love,
Slayre

Mark of the Virgo

2008-03-21T04:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Squirrel Survivors,

I've officially proven that the news people will put anyone on the news, even if they don't know what they're talking about. How? Yesterday I was walking out of the Barnes and Nobles, and one of the local news stations asked me about taxes. I told them I wasn't informed enough about taxes, and they told me about this new bill going through for more taxes. Naturally, I think the Louisiana government is tangled and need a massive reworking. So that got me on the local news at 10 pm last night. I have it on my DVR. When I watched it the first time, the only thought in my head was, "Is that really what I sound like?"

Anyway, Virgo, this is for you from cafeastrology.com:
This is a time to rely only on yourself and your own resources, gather in your scattered forces, and concentrate on your own work. You may meet numerous obstructions and delays so that you don't accomplish as much or work as quickly as you would like. You can, however, do a very thorough job, and also tackle the kind of difficult or disagreeable tasks you usually avoid.

Slayre Says:
You are socially undesirable, so stop brown nosing your co-workers and do your own work. The world is ending. Make sure you file your paperwork.

I went to a Chinese restaurant yesterday, and of course I got a fortune cookie. It's better than anything I could come up with, so here you go: Today is to conserve yourself, as things just won't budge.
Slayre Says: Don't strain. Take a laxative instead!

Love,
Slayre

Entry of the Aries

2008-03-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

Let's get right into it.

This is about Aries from dailyhoroscope.com:
You should be attentive to all your work today, for there is a tendency to gloss over anything that needs to be done carefully. You are capable of completing whatever is set before you now--pace yourself. Your unique ideas and solutions work to your advantage. You may be tempted to spend excessively at this time. Be especially careful in any personal dealings or purchases that may cause you to go into debt. Maternal instincts may come into the picture this afternoon when a relative needs your help for a short time. Later today you may look for a quiet place to rest and refurbish your energies. This evening you might enjoy catching up on some photograph albums or updating a private phone directory. There is an opportunity to dive into a little music tonight.

What it really means:
Pay attention, you're being sloppy. If you would slow down, you might actually get something done for once. Your weirdness helps, but you're taking too much time on one thing. Quit obsessing and don't spend all your money on expensive crap. If you are a man, you will have a sexual encounter with another man that you call "Daddy." If you are a woman, prepare to have babies when one of your cousins calls for bail money. Take a nap, look through your "artistically" nude photos, and leaf through the phone book. You will be listening to your ipod alone tonight.

New! Here's a fortune specially written by me specifically for you (and only you.) Slayre Says: If you don't see an albino squirrel today, you will never find your true love.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true. It depends on the planets and the squirrels. Watch out for the three legged squirrel!

Love,
Slayre

What is this??

2008-03-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

For awhile now I've wanted something constructive to do that lasts more than an afternoon and here's my solution: Inspired by Tiger Weekly's Asinine Astrology (I used to love them, but then they started to suck.), I've decided to take a pre-written horoscope, and interpret it. I mean, really, how often do you read a horoscope and know it's just fancy for "you're going to have a good day"?

I'm a Taurus, and since I had to sign up to receive them, everyone's going to read about the amazing Taurus first. This one's from astrocenter.com:

Taurus: As a very peaceful day lies ahead, you should seize this opportunity to care for yourself. You have all the time in the world and you will be in the best disposition to analyze your life. Things will become clearer to you. Why not use this frame of mind to cast out differences and solve issues with people around you?

Here's my take on it:
Today will be boring, so make sure you clean your room and possibly take a shower. You have no life, and you'd better think about getting one. You're a loser. Why not help the other losers?

I noticed that all the horoscope sites have disclaimers, so here's one for you.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true. It depends on the planets and how much you suck.

And here's a nice picture for you, just in case you're a functioning literate and stumbled across this blog in an attempt to look smart.

We'll see how tomorrow goes... I might expand!

Love,
Slayre