Gemini Gems

Goooood Morning!

I'm writing this post on my own computer for once, thanks best buy for finally fixing my screen. I get to write this listening to the soundtrack of interviews I had to do for my Ethnography class. Imagine writing horoscopes while listening to a discussion about homosexuals in the media.

Ok Gemini, here you go. Astroadvice.com says:

You can pick up valuable information that will allow you to help someone from whom you need a favor. Make a change at home and you will rid yourself of some of the tension you've been facing. An older individual will reveal some family background.

The Moon is in Aquarius making this an ideal time to develop something that you think there is a need for. Your inventive mind will aid you in coming up with something interesting.

Slayre Says:
You're going to find a magical legendary treasure map today. Fix that one poster that's been hanging crooked, and your OCD will finally leave you alone. Listening to your grandparent's rambling will finally reveal why your parents are so strange.

The Moon is in Aquarius. You should probably bring them to the hospital since it's pretty painful to have a rock half the size of earth inside of you. Refuse to help them until you can get them to agree to what you want. If you don't have a previous argument, now is the time to come up with some past dirt.

Disclaimer: Do not try to remove the Moon yourself. Leave it to professionals.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Sign up at the desk.

Here are some sexy twins for you:

Love,
Slayre Says

Hmm

Dear Readers,
I've decided that updating everyday is a little too time consuming. Yeah, these only take at most a half hour to put together, but multiply that by seven and that's time that I could be doing homework, or eating, or most importantly, sleeping.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering: Don't I love you any more? Of course I do! It's not you, it's me. I promise this will not lead to bed death. I'm still committed to you. I swear.

Updates will now be five times a week, Monday through Friday, and if I feel like it, some Saturdays. In fact, random Saturday posts won't have horoscopes. It'll be something better... or at least different.

Love,
Slayre

Submissive Scorpio

Dear Earthquake inducer,

Ah Saturday, how I love you. It's a good day to just sleep in and finish digesting Friday's alcohol.

Scorpio, Tarot.com says:

Your key planet Mars is not a happy camper today and he might attempt to spread his ill will to you. Fortunately, your common sense can be a great ally, enabling you to resist the temptation to lash out at someone. Others deserve the truth, but it's healthier to save it for a couple of days and deliver it under less stressful conditions.

Slayre Says:

You know that huge guy down the street? The one named Mars? Today is not the day to confront him about his odor. Good thing that there's that other guy. You know, your therapist. Feel free to yell at him until you lose your voice. I mean, Mars really does need to know that he reeks, but it'll be better to tell him after he gets off the 'roids.

Disclaimer: Mars is only going to claim that he's not taking them. He'll sneak them constantly, just like the junkie he is.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and don't mix your colors.

This picture was part of an AIDS campaign:

How messed up is that?

Love,
Slayre

Aquarius Angst

Dear Dieters,

I missed yesterday's post. I'm sorry. Normally I'd at least try to make it up to you, but I have a five page paper I need to write by 9 am today. Sorry!

So, Aquarius, beliefnet.com says:
The planetary action is in your 2nd House of Self-Work and your core values are being shaken. The harder you try to hold on to an old opinion, the more complex everything gets. You may not change your position easily, but seeing the light of truth can impact your perspective immediately. Don't waste any energy trying to defend a worn-out point of view. Embrace new ideas to improve the overall quality of your life.

Slayre Says:
EARTHQUAKE!! RUUUUUUN! ... ahem. You're being stubborn, but you really just need to accept that you're wrong. Try some whiskey. Makes ya feel better!

Disclaimer: Alcoholism is not cool.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today, you will see your lucky number multiple times. This is a good omen.

This picture made me laugh.

Sorry for the shortness!

Love,
Slayre

Pisces the

Dear Cake Eaters,

Writing papers is hell.

Here ya go Pisces, in honor of the random guy in Blockbuster who might have been hitting on us, but it's hard to tell because it was just that weird. Seriously, who asks "What's your sign?"

...I digress. Dailyhoroscopes.com says:

Problems and obstacles that have previously been confounding should find easy explanations under your keen examination today. This is a good time to present yourself to others in business propositions or in requesting a raise in income. You may also be asserting a greater need for independence in a relationship now. Do not let your dreams run wild--run a reality check once in a while. A repair problem on the home front, car or home, may need some tender loving care--repair work. You might save some money by investing some time in a class or in doing some apprentice work with a carpenter, plumber or mechanic. Your romantic life will improve quickly as you lend a listening ear and positive feedback to that special someone you love.

Slayre Says:

You're going to stare at a wall, trying to find a way through, and suddenly realize the door was right in front of you. You're having a good hair day; time for a raise! Ask your sweetheart to let you go bowling tonight, but don't expect that s/he'll let you go. Remember to change your oil, since you haven't done it since you purchased the car. Prepare for engine sludge. Extra napkins anyone? You could save money by gyping the plumber by following him around for a few days and attempting to do the same thing as him, sans butt crack. Remember when you asked to go bowling? Not happening, your SO has other plans for you.

Disclaimer: Please consult your doctor before starting any new diets or excersize programs.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Prepare for panic attacks.

Love,
Slayre

Leo Limited

Dear Peep Microwavers,

Why do people feel like if they have to get up in the middle of the night to do their job, they think it's ok to take it out on whoever they happen to run into? Thanks random maintenance guy. Just so you know, I wasn't helpful because you're an asshole.

Anyway, Leo, AOL Horoscope says:

Temptations of over-indulgence can create complications with a family member, so don't let your natural pride turn this into a personal issue. Push past your gut response and think about someone else's point of view before you get angry enough to defend your perspective. Hostility won't solve anything, while sensitivity can turn the entire situation around.

Slayre Says:

Someone else is going to eat that last piece of cake that you've been craving all day and you're going to get really angry about it. Just stop for a second and you'll realize they need the calories more than you. You need to lose weight anyway.

Disclaimer: This one only works if you have cake. So go buy or make one!

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Travelling to the will bring you great rewards.

Love,
Slayre

Happy Birthday... Sagittarius?

Dear Chocolate Bunny Murderers,



So I've decided, birthday wishes on cement is fun. Happy Birthday to my Aries friend who's ID I stole! (Not that you're reading :-P)



So, Sagittarius, astrologyzine.com says:

Today a little playfulness could help you find more happiness. Sentimental sayings may be what you hear or read today. You may spend some time with a person who caters to your comfort or your tastes. Your feelings may go out to one who needs some loving but has none. An intimate dinner and relaxing drinks might lead to a sensual dessert. Beware that you and a partner could come into conflict over control of money or possessions.



Slayre Says:

Act like a little kid and say the cheesiest things you can think of. They'll think it's cute for about five minutes. Make sure you visit your enabler and that ugly girl from fifth grade. Dress like Mango from SNL and you'll have it made, but don't talk about money and possessions. You know it's all your Sugar Daddy's anyway.


Disclaimer: This may or may not be true depending on if you're lucky enough to have a Sugar Daddy, and I'm not talking about the candy.


Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Oo... you don't even want to know...

Love,
Slayre

P.S. I woke up this morning and realized I didn't even know what part of the year coincides with what sign. Oops, some astro-guru I am!

Libra Liberation!

Dear Non-existent Readers,

Just so everyone knows, I'm officially a genius. I managed to drive an hour and a half from my house before realizing I'd left my school ID there. LSU uses the ID's for everything, including getting into my dorm and meal plans... Luckily, my mom's already planning to come up on Tuesday, but if I stop posting, it's because I didn't make it.

Eastrolog.com says:
Libra-
In the morning you may learn about the illness of a relative and be very upset about this.
You might be unable to focus very well, therefore you are advised to avoid making major decisions.
You are advised to avoid controversies with an elder woman.

Slayre Says:
Unless you're sociopathic, you should be upset about what your grandma says to you. Don't worry though, she's just been diagnosed with turret's. You're going to take Ambien again, and this is the perfect excuse to avoid any decision making. In fact, you've been dipping into the Ambien so often your friends are starting to call you Ambien Andy... even if Andy's not your name. Whatever you do, don't piss off your other grandma. She'll be too glad to write you out of her will.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true, depending on the strength of the Ambien you're taking.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Would you like to give someone a gift?


Love,
Slayre

This goes out to all the people who have... erm... are Cancer

Dear Paper Work Filers,

Best Buy once again has possession of my computer, but hopefully I can still do this on a daily basis. I tried looking up different websites for today's daily horoscope but apparently my family has blocked anything "new age/occult." I don't know what that's about...

Luckily for you, dear Cancer, I have been receiving daily horoscopes in my email! Here you go. Sorry it's so short. It's ok though since nobody likes Cancer anyway.

Astrology.com says:

Today's focus should be on the home. That could mean repairing leaks, making nice with the neighbors or gathering the family for a big talk. Your energy is just right for taking it seriously.

Slayre Says:

Your house is going to fall over. Beg your neighbors and family for help. They can see you're desperate.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true, depending on if you have family or neighbors.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie says : Today, you will find the love of your life. Too bad bestiality's illegal.

Love,
Slayre

Mark of the Virgo

Dear Squirrel Survivors,

I've officially proven that the news people will put anyone on the news, even if they don't know what they're talking about. How? Yesterday I was walking out of the Barnes and Nobles, and one of the local news stations asked me about taxes. I told them I wasn't informed enough about taxes, and they told me about this new bill going through for more taxes. Naturally, I think the Louisiana government is tangled and need a massive reworking. So that got me on the local news at 10 pm last night. I have it on my DVR. When I watched it the first time, the only thought in my head was, "Is that really what I sound like?"

Anyway, Virgo, this is for you from cafeastrology.com:
This is a time to rely only on yourself and your own resources, gather in your scattered forces, and concentrate on your own work. You may meet numerous obstructions and delays so that you don't accomplish as much or work as quickly as you would like. You can, however, do a very thorough job, and also tackle the kind of difficult or disagreeable tasks you usually avoid.

Slayre Says:
You are socially undesirable, so stop brown nosing your co-workers and do your own work. The world is ending. Make sure you file your paperwork.

I went to a Chinese restaurant yesterday, and of course I got a fortune cookie. It's better than anything I could come up with, so here you go: Today is to conserve yourself, as things just won't budge.
Slayre Says: Don't strain. Take a laxative instead!

Love,
Slayre

Entry of the Aries

Let's get right into it.

This is about Aries from dailyhoroscope.com:
You should be attentive to all your work today, for there is a tendency to gloss over anything that needs to be done carefully. You are capable of completing whatever is set before you now--pace yourself. Your unique ideas and solutions work to your advantage. You may be tempted to spend excessively at this time. Be especially careful in any personal dealings or purchases that may cause you to go into debt. Maternal instincts may come into the picture this afternoon when a relative needs your help for a short time. Later today you may look for a quiet place to rest and refurbish your energies. This evening you might enjoy catching up on some photograph albums or updating a private phone directory. There is an opportunity to dive into a little music tonight.

What it really means:
Pay attention, you're being sloppy. If you would slow down, you might actually get something done for once. Your weirdness helps, but you're taking too much time on one thing. Quit obsessing and don't spend all your money on expensive crap. If you are a man, you will have a sexual encounter with another man that you call "Daddy." If you are a woman, prepare to have babies when one of your cousins calls for bail money. Take a nap, look through your "artistically" nude photos, and leaf through the phone book. You will be listening to your ipod alone tonight.

New! Here's a fortune specially written by me specifically for you (and only you.) Slayre Says: If you don't see an albino squirrel today, you will never find your true love.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true. It depends on the planets and the squirrels. Watch out for the three legged squirrel!

Love,
Slayre

What is this??

For awhile now I've wanted something constructive to do that lasts more than an afternoon and here's my solution: Inspired by Tiger Weekly's Asinine Astrology (I used to love them, but then they started to suck.), I've decided to take a pre-written horoscope, and interpret it. I mean, really, how often do you read a horoscope and know it's just fancy for "you're going to have a good day"?

I'm a Taurus, and since I had to sign up to receive them, everyone's going to read about the amazing Taurus first. This one's from astrocenter.com:

Taurus: As a very peaceful day lies ahead, you should seize this opportunity to care for yourself. You have all the time in the world and you will be in the best disposition to analyze your life. Things will become clearer to you. Why not use this frame of mind to cast out differences and solve issues with people around you?

Here's my take on it:
Today will be boring, so make sure you clean your room and possibly take a shower. You have no life, and you'd better think about getting one. You're a loser. Why not help the other losers?

I noticed that all the horoscope sites have disclaimers, so here's one for you.

Disclaimer: This may or may not be true. It depends on the planets and how much you suck.

And here's a nice picture for you, just in case you're a functioning literate and stumbled across this blog in an attempt to look smart.



We'll see how tomorrow goes... I might expand!

Love,
Slayre