Virgo Goes to Work

Dear Napkin Users,

Three hours of sleep... rough draft due... nothing written...

Virgo, dailyhoroscope.com says:
Think seriously about your work this morning and what you have learned and how far you can grow within the company. If you want to stay, do not hesitate to present your ideas. If you want to move forward in your profession, privately write down some definite goals. You may decide that now is the time to further your education. Most of the time your capabilities do not match your present status; it is time to reassess. Whatever you decide; now is the time to get down to business with your personal plans? If you have not gotten a health check yet, you may want to schedule one when you can. If you start school or decide to change jobs, time off now would be a good idea. Best friends will support your ideas.

Slayre Says:
You seriously need to reassess your current job. If you like where you're at, keep at it and present your ideas to your boss. Just know that any good ideas will be pigeonholed and you won't receive any of the credit, leaving you depressed and without the hoped for promotion. You should probably go back to school, since your current skill set is antiquated and essentially worthless in this quickly advancing technical world. It's not really important what you decide, as long as you make a decision, you indecisive OCD sufferer. You should probably go see a doctor, especially if your lover is a Leo. Take a vacation. Your friends will buy the beer. OK, maybe just the first round of it.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is not qualified to give job advice.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Make sure you can get it out before you put it in.

Love,
Slayre

Leprous Leo

Dear Grail Seekers,

Well, it's almost the end of the semester. I think most of you will find that all of this week's blog posts will be quite short. That's mostly because my teachers are evil. Ok, they're not really evil, but sometimes it feels like it. As soon as it's light here (in about three hours) I'll be putting together my portfolio for art, and trust me, it's not pretty...

Leo, Free Horoscope Daily says:

Information that will result in a noticeable improvement to your wellbeing will be revealed to you today. It will come in the form of a very subtle change in your diet. It could be something as simple as removing a food from your daily regimen or adding one to it. Many during this time will invest in a juicer or begin drinking a glass of wine with their meal in order to recharge and revitalize their health.

Slayre Says:

Today you'll get the test results back. You have an STD. With knowledge comes the chance to improve it, so you're going to try the herbal route to healing. Rosemary might do it for you, but probably not. Many of you who finally find out what you have will start drinking wine at your meals. Or possibly having meals with their wine. No, vodka does not count as potatoes in a bottle.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says claims no knowledge of herbs or other holistic healing techniques.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Keep napkins on hand.

Love,
Slayre

Aw man... it's Cancer again!

Hey Super Women,

Well, it's Dead Week. Really, this doesn't mean much, other than every assignment in the freakin' world is due this week. I'll be busy writing a paper for English class, and yet again I'll be writing it from an Anthropologist's perspective rather than a philosopher's perspective as we're supposed to. Next week is finals. Oddly enough, I really enjoy finals since there's no class. I should really find out when my finals are scheduled... oops.

Cancer, 12sign says:
Your personal quest has put you out of touch for the past couple of days. Demands from a personal relationship may require you to make a decision today. Put a lot of thought into this decision and do not take it lightly. It could have a significant effect on the path you take in the future.

Slayre Says:
Your failed quest for the holy grail has taken you out of what you should have been doing for the past couple of days. The reason you can't find it is because you've gotten a lot of demands from your love on the side, and you're going to have to decide whether to give in to their demands, or just kill them. You should really think hard about this because remember, it's not fun to hide the body. Remember, nine out of ten bodies are never found in the Honey Island Swamp.

Disclaimer: A creepy lady I once worked with told me about the swamp thing. A) How does she know? B) I can't actually vouch for it because I haven't reached ten bodies yet.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Double the weight.

Love,
Slayre

Super Woman Saturday

Hey Doms,

As most of you guys know, I'm a feminist, and by that I mean I "advocate social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men." I don't hate men. That's not feminism, that's chauvinism. But I really love to see women beat men, especially in traditionally all male competitions. Let's take a look at a few great women.

Danica Patrick is the first woman to win an IndyCar race. She won first place last Sunday in the Japan 300. Seriously, how great is that? Before this, she'd been plauged with questions of when she was going to actually win (and sexist remarks by her competitors). She was even awarded rookie of the year, without winning any races. Many wondered if her popularity was based on her attractiveness (similar to Anna Kournikova, who never really won anything.) I could see where people might get that, since she's really hot:

But this woman kicks some ass! Thanks Danica!
Note: Danica will be racing tomorrow at the Kansas Speedway. Let's all root for her!

In the music world, I've listened to a lot of great bands. There have been times when I've told people to listen to certain bands and was then told "I don't listen to chick bands." Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with that if it'd only happened once or twice, but I've gotten it a lot, and it's not something I understand. It's not like they're rejecting a genre, such as opra or rap, they're rejecting a huge chunk of incredibly great music based on the fact that the band members have a vagina, and that makes no sense to me. Anyway, to get away from my ranting (which could go on for hours if I let it), I'll just post a great band, and let you have at it.

Any of you that have ridden in my car will have heard this band, because I love them that damn much:
Magneta Lane

These girls aren't super famous (They should be...), but they did get signed after only a year of being together. I know that no matter how much I rant and rave, their music will do a better job of selling it, so just click on the link above their picture and take a peak at their myspace.

Well, I've got an art project to finish. I'll be back Monday.

Love,
Slayre

Guess Who? Oh, it's just Gemini...

Dear Beaners,

TGIF. That is all.

Gemini, Dailyhoroscopes says:

You are a great doer, an accomplisher when you want to be. Your outgoing nature and skillful ways of handling other people make you a natural for working with the public. You would make an excellent teacher or coach and helping others to make career decisions is a skill you possess. Your career is never a problem, for you have the kind of drive about which others can only dream. The day works out well for you--you can smile at the other people who might have told you differently. You are interested in group gatherings this evening and may find yourself involved in a chamber music recital or group sports or an event that takes the cooperation of many. Depending on the weather you find yourself in the middle of some fun action this evening.

Slayre Says:

You're one manipulative bastard, but you get things done. You can get all sorts people to become your minions easily, and that includes small children and sports teams as well as the unemployed. You've got a job right now, which, you know, is great and all. Most of the other bums you know don't have jobs and they live in their parents' basements. You use the smile-and-nod technique often because you know what? It works for you. You're going to go to a group gathering, but be very careful not to forget your safe word. Seriously, don't let them gag you because you're going to want to use your safe word, especially if it's raining. Just trust me on this one.

Disclaimer: Nope. None today. Go have fun sweetie.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Glue tastes good, but clogs the bowels.

Love,
Slayre

Taurus Thursday Again!

Dear Birdie,

It's getting pretty close to the end of the semester. Dead week's next week. It's a pretty neat idea, but most teachers use it as a time for tests, which is not the idea behind dead week...

Anyway, Taurus, Cafeastrology says:

You are becoming more energetic and resourceful in your ability to increase personal finances. Greater secrecy surrounds your monetary affairs. You have learned from the past that family and certain other people may try to borrow funds from you.

Slayre Says:

You're fairly certain that energy drinks are actually an investment. You're almost positive that if you never sleep again, that it will give you more time to earn money. Of course, you can't tell anyone how you're making your current money, since it's technically illegal. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Be sure not to tell anyone that you have money since they'll try to borrow it. Live like a prostitute and they'll never know. Oh, sorry that's your job... didn't mean to spill the beans...

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not support or encourage prostitution or any other illegal activities.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Be careful when you're tuning your guitar. Popping strings are upcoming.

Love,
Slayre

Aries: Conqueror of Baby Birds and Prostitutes!

Dear Cake of the Pan,

I slept 11 hours last night. It feels weird since on I generally only get 4-5 hours of sleep.

Yesterday I managed to break my phone, and then get it replaced for free. I was expecting to have to pay a minimum of about $50, but I'm glad it didn't because now I can eat for the rest of the week.

Anyway, Aries, Eastrolog.com says:

You will manage to get along very well with everybody, and everything will go as planned.
You may run into an old acquaintance who will invite you to a party.
You will have the opportunity to clear an old sentimental issue. Be honest and admit your own mistakes!

Slayre Says:

Today you will have a good day. Way better than yesterday when you went to use that pay phone because you broke your cellphone in the ghetto and a little baby bird fell out of the ceiling when you closed the door. You thought you'd have to take care of it the rest of it's life, and you even got a cup with a napkin in it to carry it, but then you realized it's dead. Then you saw a prostitute and realized the reason that the phone booth smelled so bad was because that STD ridden prostitute had been using it as a lavatory. You know, that day really sucked.

Disclaimer: This is a true story, but maybe not for you.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Beware the curb.

Love,
Slayre

Pisces of your Heart

Dear L7,

Sorry for the dreadful pun in the title. My brain's officially fried, and it's only Tuesday. I've been working on my final art project and ignoring English. I need to actually get the book we're reading from and try to catch up by this weekend. As far as art goes, I've done some crappy sketches that I'm actually pleased with. I used a good friend of mine for a model, with some dramatic lighting, turned them black and white, and increased the contrast and the result was some photos that I feel are artsy enough to work with.

Pisces, Yahoo.com says:

You're likely to hit the ground running today as there's bound to be a lot to do. Emails, letters, phone calls, messages given and received can have you on the trot. In fact, you may need to keep notes of what's going on, if things get a little frantic. If this doesn't sound like you today, take a look at what's going on in your mind and heart. If you have recently turned your back on a relationship or on someone or something, you might find that it's on the cards and right around the corner. The Sabian Symbol is A Person Turning Their Back Teaches Deep Wisdom From Their Experience. We come out of situations wiser, at least that's the hope!

Slayre Says:

You have a lot to do today, so where some good running shoes and be very careful not to turn an ankle. A sprain could cause death or possible inconvenience. Checklists will help. Write it on the sole of your running shoe. If this isn't what's going on today, it's possible you're not really a pisces. If you're tired of your relationship, it's time for a breakup. It's in the cards. I Can Capitalize For No Reason If I Feel Like It. If you don't learn from your experiences, you're either a vegetable or an idiot.

Disclaimer: Please remember to dispose of all wheelchairs properly after you eat your vegetables.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Pancakes please!

Aquarius Magical Monday

Dear Dip,
Well, it's Monday again. I hope you had a good weekend without my lovely words to entertain you. For those of you who knew about my ethnography class, you'll be pleased to know that I finally finished my ethnography on gays in the media. I suppose this means I can stop watching Logo, but I probably won't. Not until the beginning of next month when I'm cancelling the extra cable channels for finals. Speaking of extra stuff, I managed to short out yet another power adapter to my computer. (Yay warranty!) This time, I can honestly say it's my fault since I spilled wine on it. No, I wasn't drunk. I was just being soberly clumsy.

My new roommate and I have a bet going to see if either of us can go a week without video games. It started about five hours ago and I'm still going strong. This is actually the first time I've thought about it, but that's probably because I've been working on the final art project pre-sketches. I have no real direction other than I have about 90 pictures of my best friend that I took late last night for this purpose. I should probably stop drawing and think about it, but if I do that, I'll get way behind and my art teacher might want to kill me then.

Anyway, Aquarius, horoscopes.hm says:
Check your plans out with Aries and Gemini. Consider the wishes of a partner before making any decisions. Count on the number 7. Great leaps forward are foreseen in life, in career, in your love department, and financial matters. Refuse to be budged from any perch you have been occupying lately, philosophically. Study, learn, and ask questions. Think things out completely before taking any action.

Slayre Says:
You should definitely read other people's horoscopes since yours is pretty much worthless. Think about what any of your multiple partners might like tonight before you buy that new sex toy. After you finally decide which toy to get, get out the sidewalk chalk and draw an "L" and then rotate yourself until it becomes a seven. You know it's still an "L" and you even know what it stands for, but you can pretend, right? Now, stand on the 7/L and start counting. As you skip 40-49, you'll realize that the partner that you bought the sex toy for has been hinting at leaving you and taking both your other lovers and your life savings. If only you hadn't linked your savings to your joint bank account... You've been reading a lot of philosophy lately and you should really keep it up. One day, you might even understand a little of it. You need to be very thorough in your thought processes, but remember to eat at some point during your ponderings. Starvation is not a fun way to die.

Disclaimer: Please get tested regularly for STD's from your multiple partners.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: When electrocuted, eat sandwich.

Once again, having trouble uploading a picture. Sorry. I'll try to fix it later.

Love,
Slayre

Double Dip Friday

Dear Melty,

Ok, so I didn't post yesterday. Sorry. As an aside, I got into a bicycle crash yesterday. Yes, that's right. A near head on collision with another bicyclist. Basically what happened is I was riding happily along, and this chick came around a curve, and instead of pulling to her right as is logical, she screamed (she had time to scream, but not to think?) and pulled to her left. I was turning to my right since you know, that's the side she wasn't on but we crashed anyway. No injuries occurred, but seriously, if you don't know how to ride a bike, then just don't do it. Unless you're a kid, then it's allowed. Also, don't scream instead of thinking. I think that's a new pet peeve of mine.

To make up for the missed post yesterday, there'll be not one but two horoscopes today. I'll even make them both for today's date. Enjoy.

Sagittarius, Freehoroscopesdaily says:
This is a day where you may feel the urge to get back at someone. Instead of sending a box of melted chocolates or wilted flowers, don't stoop to anyone's level. Hang onto your self-respect and just go on as if they didn't exist without giving a second thought to it.

Slayre Says:
Today is the day for revenge. Sorry, I lied. Today is not a day for revenge. Instead of doing something that seems nice but isn't, send someone a midget. Midgets are nice, and they will do any stooping necessary. You might ask if that's a little discriminatory. Yeah, definitely, but as long as you don't have to send the poop shaped chocolate yourself, does it really matter?

Capricorn, the same people said:
This is a low stress day as you realize that your fears were not based on fact. Some people say that worrying is pointless because it doesn't change anything. If worrying prompts a person to positive action, then worrying can do some good. But in your particular situation, your worrying just kept you in a constant state of stress which has been removed today.

Slayre Says:
Today, you will relax because you realize you have a phobia, but not for long. The phobia will cause tension because it's chasing you. Yeah, now you not only have a phobia, but you're getting paranoid too. People keep telling you to chill, but have you ever seen someone who has OCD really relax? You tell them that your condition makes you more productive, but I don't think they believe you. In fact, I hear them whispering about you. Right now. Don't worry, that shot the doctor gave you will be kicking in any minute now, and then we'll put you in a nice I-Love-Me jacket.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not encourage servitude of midgets, or taunting people with mental problems. Mostly.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and do both at once.

Check it out: Double the pictures.

Love, Slayre

Scorpio Says

Dear Kruger's Baby Momma,

Today's post is going to be pretty short. There's only about a month left of the semester, and that means that all the assignments my teachers have been talking about all semester are due within the next few weeks. This means extra stress even though in general, I've already started the assignments. I'm not very far in on any of them, so I have a lot to do. I'll try to be consistent here, but we'll have to see how it goes.

Infospace.com says:
This is the start of a repositioning period among the people in your social circle. Folks are shifting alliances and old friendship ties are breaking -- but just temporarily speaking. It's perfectly natural for people to want to mix up who they spend their time with, so do not worry that this is the end of something. The strong bonds that hold you all together are all still there, they just might be arranged a little differently for the next few weeks.

Slayre Says:
Your friends hate you. It's ok, it happens. They're probably still pissed about you super-gluing everyone's hands to each other's thighs. Seriously though, if you ever do it again, you'll find yourself at the bottom of a river with concrete shoes smeared in catfish bait.

Disclaimer: Super Glue not intended for human consumption.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Snow always melts.

Love,
Slayre

Libras have all the Luck

Dear Cat Lovers,

It looks like another busy day due to previous procrastination for me again. I thought about skipping out on you, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm having an affair with another blog. Don't worry baby, I'm committed to you...and all the others. Just joking. There's only you.. Oh come on, don't give the silent treatment! You know there's only you! Fine! I'll just do Libra's horoscope. Libra still loves me!

Libra, Astroadvice.com says:
You will be in a bit of a dream world. Before you start to implement your ideas, make sure they are feasible. Take things one step at a time. Love is in the stars if you make love, not war. The Moon is in Virgo and the time to put more effort into detail and intelligence is now. Helping others in a courageous manner will bring positive results not to mention unexpected rewards.

Slayre Says:
Today is the day you've feared your entire life. Freddy Kruger is here! There, right behind you! Don't be too quick to try kill him since he'll just kill you do. You see, Freddy doesn't want to kill anyone today; he's just looking for some lovin'. Pay close attention to his wants and needs and you and your friends will get out alive. Expect a pregnancy, especially if you're a guy. How gorgeous will that love baby be?

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not own the copyright to Freddy Kruger or affiliated creepies. No copyright infringement intended.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: There's a sale you should go to.

Love,
Slayre

Virgo Vagaries

Dear Bob Saget,

We're going back to the regular schedule of horoscopes. As you might be able to tell from the title, Virgo is up for today. If you get a minute, leave a comment suggesting what to do for the next super special post. I found out recently that apparently I do have a few readers, so you guys are just really quiet. Come on baby, don't give me the silent treatment!

Virgo, dailyhoroscopes.com says:
You may have to hold your breath and count to ten before you answer someone today. We all have times we would like to say what we think, but you are happier with the outcome when you go with the count-to-ten-method. This may not be a time to make business or work decisions. It is however, important to keep a close eye on your systems and schedules and stick to them! The work you do and the way you take care of health and other mundane obligations are important keys to your best potentials; in many respects. This is an ideal time to kick off a new fitness routine or accelerate a current one. What a wonderful time it is now to spend with loved ones and family. Smile! Relationships are most meaningful at this time.

Slayre Says:
In the words of Blair Waner: "Turn Blue." Auto erotic asphyxiation is fun, and also when you're holding your breath, it's not possible to say anything stupid that your Mistress will need to punish you for. Unless you want to be punished, then go right ahead. Do yourself a favor and stay in the same rut you've been in for the past few months and don't try to make any work like decisions. That includes re-negotiating how much you pay your Mistress per session. If you keep doing the same thing, that random girl down the hall will say you're steady and "her rock." Today is the ideal time to start up or step up that work out routine of yours, and by ideal, I mean you absolutely need to. Those love handles? Not lovely. Now is an excellent time to start a meaningful relationship, because you know those other relationships didn't mean anything and you're going to therapy just for fun.

Disclaimer: Consult a physician before you start a new workout routine. Unless that routine consists of just standing and walking around the house once in awhile. Your couch aches. Give it a break.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: That wasn't chicken.

Normally I try to tie in the picture in some random way, but today I just couldn't be bothered.

Love,
Slayre

Super Sunday!

Dear Agoraphobics,

I've been promising a super special post for a few days now, so this is it. I wandered around campus and other public restrooms, and I took the ten most amusing graffiti and now I'm presenting it for your viewing pleasure. Here they are, in no particular order:

1.) You look like a wet beaver.
2.) I hope it's all coming out alright!
3.) I love P.O.O.
4.) If you want a nation of "pure people" buy an island and start the incest!
5.) I love you long time!
6.) Kilroy was here.
7.) I'm looking for a partner who's enjoys long walks on the beach and pina coladas. ###-###-2865
8.) Unloading... please wait.
9.) Oh, Bob Saget!
10.) Frodo Lives!

I was looking for some pictures, and found some of the same graffiti. I guess LSU isn't that special. As an aside, it's really hard to find graffiti in the main buildings! Nice work LSU Custodial staff!

And by special request, Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Beware the Vietnamese prostitute. She's got crabs.

Love,
Slayre

Saturday Movie Review

Dear Special,

So it's Saturday, and I finished with Test Hell. So I promised a super-special blog post for today, but unfortunately it's only going to be a little special. Tomorrow will be super special. I've already started to do the research for it.

The past couple of weeks I've gone and seen two movies: 21 and Nim's Island. To save you the trouble of going to a site such as Rottentomatoes, I'll just post my own reviews.

21:
This movie comes off as a spy film without the spies for me. No, there's no extreme stunts, but the word "espionage" does comes to mind. For those of you who haven't seen the commercials, a few numerically minded people form a team to count cards in black jack to earn large amounts of money in Las Vegas. It's a good plot line, but the acting was lacking for me. I couldn't connect with the main character and some of their reactions seemed a little unreal. What confused me most is that they always seemed to go to the same casino. Wouldn't you want to gyp more than one casino? The movie had an excellent soundtrack though, and I liked that the end kept me guessing.

Slayre Says: 3 and a half out of five.

Nim's Island:

This is one of those cutesy little heartfelt films that once seen, sticks with you for at least a week. The basic plot line is that a girl and her scientist father live on an undisclosed island while the father searches for a new species of protozoa. The father leaves Nim on the island for a few days to see a "once in a lifetime" event, and of course, he gets caught in a storm and is lost at sea. While he's missing, Nim's favorite author starts emailing with Nim to find information on the volcano that's on the island. Through a series of events, Nim gets injured and Jodi Foster's agoraphobic character finds herself flying out to take care of Nim. Overall, the film was quite good and Jodie Foster's acting was superb. Her facial expressions kept me laughing throughout the film. The only complaints I have are that it seemed like Jodi's character got to the island entirely too quickly, and he ending was anticlimactic. It didn't seem realistic, but what do I know? Then again, suspension of reality is important for movies and books.

Slayre Says: 4 and a half stars out of five.

Love,

Slayre

Super... Aw

Dear Neglected,
You might notice there was no update yesterday, or today. You might even notice that there's not going to be an update tomorrow. It's because I have a test tomorrow that I've been studying intensively for. Yeah, I should already know all the material, but the fact is I've been slacking. I promise I'll do better next semester.

As a result of not having updates for a whole three days, I'll be having two super special updates this weekend. If you have any suggestions as what they should be on, leave a comment! Otherwise you'll just be getting some thing out of my sick, twisted mind, and we all know how that goes...

So, wish me luck on my test!

Love, Slayre

Lucky Leo

Dear Mind Controlled Zombies,

Today, I found out that Charlton Heston died on the 5th. So I guess that means that he can't be president, and we can now pry his gun from his cold dead fingers. Rest in Piece Chuck.

Leo, Astrologycom.com says (seriously, it's short, but with a website name like that I had to use it.):
One of your business partners or an important client is not too receptive to your more imaginative and creative plans. It's best to stick to business as planned or else risk disappointing someone. Fortunate colors are mustard yellow and dark green. Lucky numbers are 18 and 6.

Slayre Says:
Today, your new ideas to start building those killer roller coasters isn't likely to happen. In fact, keep your ideas to yourself or else they're gonna send you to the loony hospital. I'm not talking about the nice hospitals that are like day camps either. I'm talking about the shock therapy type where if the patients manage to escape they kill the doctors and eat their brains. Sort of similar to that haunted house you went to a few years back and bailed out half way through because you needed new underpants. As far as fortunate colors, mustard yellow and dark green will be good for you, but those colors are for eating, not wearing. Seriously, you need to eat more vegetables. Your lucky numbers are 18 and 6. If you see them a lot, prepare for the police to come and take you away because those numbers are the ritual numbers for the recent serial killings. Unfortunately, you share the same sign with a wack job. In fact, you'll probably end up in the same mental hospital. You know which one I'm talking about.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is ok with mental hospitals as long as they don't shock their patients.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Do yourself a favor and do your homework for once.
Love,
Slayre

Cancer Relapse

Dear lolcatz,

It's Monday, and here I am once again sitting at work. Of course, what I should really be doing instead of this is either reading "The Human Stain" by Phillip Roth or finish drawing my Mayan Sacrificial Kids' Camp for art. I'll probably be ritually sacrificed myself for saying this, but I really hate kids. Which is a great concept when my summer job is working at a day camp...

Cancer, Infospace.com says:
Today, the people you will be encountering are going to be more receptive to your suggestions than you would have assumed at first glance -- so don't give up on negotiations and don't give up on pushing for what you want. They are closer to coming around to your way of thinking than you might realize. Do not give in to their demands. Flexing your muscles like this is going to feel good, and it's going to show the world that you are someone to take seriously.

Slayre Says:
You've finally finished your mind control ray! Woot! Just make sure you've worked out all the kinks, or else it will malfunction temporarily. Don't give up though! It's nearing perfection. If you can't get it to work though, react like the US government and then show off your killer body. Actually, don't. It's not as impressive as you think it is when you look in the mirror... in the dark... when you're drunk.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is against free will. I mean, mind control.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today, you will climb an insurmountable mountain... in bed.

Love,
Slayre

P.S. Is it bad that I make cancer jokes? I mean, it's entirely too easy...

Jittery Gemini

Dear Beauty Queens,

So, apparently between my two shifts at the front desk, it was pretty exciting. Basically some guys were rough housing and set off the fire alarm and hence the sprinkler system. The basement flooded again. I really feel sorry for the people that live in the basement because they're regularly flooded. I'm glad I was off sleeping on someone's couch during that time though.

Freehoroscopedaily.com says:
You will think of new and promising ideas in your work or business. Today is the day to start any new ventures. You are able to see things clearly and the combination of your creativeness and mental acuity will obtain the results you are looking for.

Slayre Says:
Today you'll think of some ideas for work, too bad they'll be so unrealistic even the office ditz looks at you funny. You'll lose your job over your whacked out ideas, so today is a great day for a new start! You're really going to need your mental acuity, so be sure to take your non-drowsy Allegra.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says doesn't support pharmaceuticals of any sort. She uses them for comedic effect only.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: An interesting monetary occurrence will happen to you.

I found you a good picture, but then I lost it:


Love,
Slayre

Taurus Thursday

Dear Lead Feet.

I'm ignoring Geology 1001 for you, so feel loved. Ok, maybe I'm not quite ignoring Geology... I'm just multitasking. It's almost cheating, but not quite, 'cause baby, you're special.

Cafeastrology.com says:
Now is a great time to take it easy and allow events to unfold with a minimum of input from you. In other words, don't worry about how your life is going. Instead, get out there and have some fun! Lighthearted socializing and playful banter is exactly what you need at the moment. Avoid conflicts of any kind, and don't forget to smile!

Slayre Says:
Today is a day to be a slacker. Don't worry about that test, or that work presentation. Someone else will do it! Join a beauty contest and finally use what that vaseline is really meant for! Your teeth! Geez, what were you thinking? It's to remind you to smile in that beauty contest you just joined.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not necessarily think you will win that beauty contest she just told you to participate in.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Let's get ready to rumble!

Love,
Slayre

Full Circle

Dear Trials,

So we've been through all of the horoscopes, and it's time to start over. Logically, I should start with Taurus, but I won't. I'll be starting with Aries and going in the "proper" order from there.

So Aries, today is your day. Dailyhoroscopes.com says:

As much as you like to be unencumbered, you may find yourself slowed from making any real progress as far as goals are concerned. At this time you will find that your greatest successes come in conquering your doubts. You will succeed by your willingness to complete whatever you have begun. Your intuition is strong--let it guide you. Understanding more about your individuality can be one of the most positive experiences in your life and it empowers you to learn more about other people as well. This is all a question of balancing yourself through mind, body and soul. This is a quest that is truly worthwhile. Children have an extraordinary ability to love unconditionally. If possible, allow a child’s spirit to occupy your time this evening.

Slayre Says:

Some one slipped some lead in your shoes so you're going to drag your feet. Knowledge is power. You'll do ok as long as you're willing to work, because no bum has success with anything other than being a bum! Today is a day for self exploration. Don't try exploring yourself with a hamster though. Again, today is a day for acting childish.

Disclaimer: Seriously? C'mon.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today you will encounter a person.

Love,

Slayre

Happy Severed Arm Day!

Dear Fools,

I feel as if I should do something for April Fools' Day, but dropping a fake severed arm drenched in fake blood at my best friend's door is the extent of my creativity in that matter.

Capricorn, Aboutastro.com says:
Forget about the trials and tribulations you've had to deal with in the last 24 hours. You may be thrown into a difficult situation at work today. Try to stay calm and listen to both sides of the story. Your fair judgment will be greatly appreciated.

Slayre Says:
You've had a rough day, but just forget about it. It was all about something stupid you did as a kid anyway. Stupid LSD stuck in your spinal cord... Work is going to suck today. If you panic, you'll lose your job, so don't do that.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not support, encourage, or deal LSD or any other drugs.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Watch where you step for there are severed arms lying around.

Here's a pretty picture for you:

Love,
Slayre