Monday, July 7, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Independent,

Welcome to another week of Slayre Says! I missed American Gladiators, so I'm mildly grumpy, but I feel like the grumpiness was canceled out by the orgasmic sandwich I got from Whole Foods earlier today.

This week on Music Monday, I'd like to introduce Catlow:
I found this artist on Friday or maybe Saturday, and like new love, I can't get enough. This band's music tends to be a little more upbeat than most of the music I listen to, and it's a nice change. This Indie band hacks up everyday monotony with their various rhythms. The first song I heard by them, Saint Hate, is mellow yet edgy at the same time. Some of their songs are just fun, and some of their songs make me want to run, like Kiss the World. Anything that can get me running is good music. Check out their Myspace page by clicking their name above.

Hope everyone had a great Independence Day!
Love,
Slayre

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Pisces to the Moon

Dear Courtesans,

I won't be updating tomorrow in celebration of Independence Day. Just wanted to let you know. Since you know, we're in an internet relationship, and communication is key.

Pisces, My Horoscope says:
As with many other signs the lunar influences are likely to have a slightly negative impact. However things turn out you won’t be happy or satisfied today. An inclination to adopt a glass- half-empty kind of approach will turn an average day into a more taxing one!


Slayre Says:
Something happened to my font, and I'm blaming it on the moon. Today wasn't so really so bad, but since you're such a pessimist, it'll suck worse.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says totally promotes pessimists.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Hey, how are you?

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Nerd Day!

Dear Mr. Lecter,

I realized when I got home from work, that I wasn't inside at all except for when I got to work and there were no kids, and when I ate my lunch, which took all of fifteen minutes. The medication I'm taking for my wasp bites say I should avoid sunlight. Oops.

So, for Nerd Day! I'd like to recommend Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Dart:
You'll notice that this cover seems racier than the other books I've recommended. That's because it is. The main character is essentially a courtesan who's into pain. A lot. This gets her into and out of a lot of trouble, and makes for a very satisfying read. I know you're thinking, so, no, it's not erotic literature. It justs happens to be a book where sex is an important part of the plot, but as I recall, it's not graphic in nature.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Dear Slip,

Today, I found myself covered in mud, and it was fun.

Aquarius, Daily Horoscope says:
You will have several opportunities to work with young people today--perhaps involving your teaching of economics or budgeting. You have an inner urge to be all things to all people and would rather bend than argue. You are a natural diplomat, always courteous and concerned with the comfort and welfare of others. You stay in the background until you need to make the best of your talents. Work proceeds naturally today and you will successfully use some opportunity to manipulate and bring out cooperation in others. Yours is a reflective mind, a mirror for others. You are equality-minded and easy to talk with--a great mediator or negotiator. You are particularly good at relations, politics, diplomacy and sales. Do nice things for you tonight.

Slayre Says:
You will have to work with brats for community service today, all because you were caught embezzling. You're a living example of what not to do. Like a psychopath, you can be anything for anyone, while at the same time, offending none. You stalk in the background until you see the right opportunity. Then you do the same thing that you always do. You know what I'm talking about. Of course, you're equal opportunity, so you make sure to get some victims from all races and body types. Yeah, you've been caught a couple of times, but you're so smooth you talked your way out of everything... except the embezzling. It's ok. Spend it all tonight on yourself after you take care of your latest victim.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not encourage psychopaths to kill people.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Leftie is having issues.

Love,
Slayre

Monday, June 30, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Cameo,

It looks like we have a good group at camp this week. We had to tell them they were allowed to have fun...

For Music Monday! I have a special treat. Nine Inch Nail (or NIN):
Ok, this band has been around longer than I've been interested in music. (Founded in 1988, when I was one year old...) It officially has only one person in it: Trent Reznor, who is amazing. I really shouldn't have to tell you much about his sound, with hits like "Hurt," "With Teeth," and "Closer."

Want to know the best thing? The next album, the Slip, is on their site for free downloads. I did it. So should you.

Love,
Slayre

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Wanted

Dear Agent 99,

Sorry for not posting two days last week. I'm on a medication and it makes me sleepy. Stupid wasp bites that I scratched and got infected...

Anyway, yesterday I went and saw Wanted:

It was totally not what I expected from the trailer, but it's still amazingly good. I absolutely love that most of Angelina Jolie's Fox used mainly nonverbal communication. It was super sexy. It had me laughing the entire time, and the music kept my blood pumping. The score to this movie is amazing. I went and looked for the soundtrack, but I was disappointed that it was only the score. I'll probably buy it anyway. Danny Elfman anyone? Best of all, one of my favorite comedians made a cameo as a cashier. (I wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been looking for her. Bridget McManus- You can stock my peanut butter anytime!)

So, this is a first for Slayre Says. Wanted gets a 5 out of 5. If for no other reason than I got to see Angelina's ass again. Yum.

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Movie Review Wednesday

Dear Dogs,

Instead of our regularly scheduled Nerd Day!, we'll be having a movie review. We at Slayre Says are dedicated to giving you our opinions as soon as we get them! And by "our" I mean me and all the voices in my head.

Get Smart:There's two kinds of humor, and this movie had both. Luckily, it didn't rely too heavily on the dumb humor like so many of the comedies nowadays. I very much enjoyed this movie, which is great since I gave up a large amount of sleep time to go see it. As far as acting goes, a lot of it was over the top, but it felt like it was supposed to be like that. I didn't see the chemistry between Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell, but that could just be that Carell is old enough to be Hathaway's dad...

Overall, I give this movie a 4.9 out of 5.00

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Candied Capricorn

Dear Girl Kissers,

It's days like this, when I work ten hours, but don't get home until 13 hours of starting work that I realize how tired I am. It's ok though. It means I'll sleep well. Everyone should leach my tiredness and cure their insomnia!

Capricorn, Adze says:
Cultivate mutuality and understanding. You can improve the relationships.... Get in touch with mother earth. Tend to practical affairs.... To get more love, develop your grace, charm and sense of values.

Note: I only took part of this site's horoscope, since it was separated by inner and outer planets, but I didn't put the ellipses. It was all copy pasted.

Slayre Says:
Go start a garden and reflect on what you lack: love, grace, char
m and sense of values. Learn to accept that you'll never have those things and try not to take out this realization on your dog.

Disclaimer: Or cat.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's not stalkerish.

Love,
Slayre

Monday, June 23, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Dirt Biker,

Well, it's back to the beginning of the week, and Slayre Says has something to celebrate: the first spamming! If you look at the comments from yesterday's post, I got spammed by some someone who wants me to put some random game embedding onto my site. In the future, I'll be deleting all spam, but I feel like I should leave up the first one, since it has nothing to do with male enhancement.

Today, I have a single for you, since overall, I don't like this artist's work: Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl.
Ok, there's a lot wrong with this song, but I really love the chorus. "I kissed a girl, and I liked it," is easily my favorite line in the song. What's wrong with it? It implies that it's totally wrong that she kissed a girl at all. Ok, maybe she shouldn't have been kissing other people when she had a boyfriend, but "it's not what good girls do?" So my mom might agree with her, but whatever. Honestly, I don't know if I should be offended by this and her other song, Ur So Gay. No matter what the message of the song is, it's tune is catchy and it's easy to sing. Check it out, you might get it stuck in your head.

As an aside, I found it interesting that there are no girls kissing in the music video.

Love,
Slayre

Friday, June 20, 2008

Fun Friday!

Dear Uranus,

Thank deity of your choice it's Friday! I'll be honest, I haven't been playing any video games. I haven't been doing much of anything fun, but I'll come up with something I've liked in the past. Just because I love you. Oh, and you too.

This week: Uphill Rush
This is a pretty simple game. Sort of a mix between a race and stunt track. If you haven't noticed by now, I like the mindless games that take a little bit of skill, but not a lot of thinking. Strategy player I am not. So, go ahead and click on the blue link above the picture and enjoy!

Love,
Slayre

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Common Capricorn

Dear Necromancers,

Weeee! I'm going to move into a room today!

Capricorn, Astroadvice says:
You may have to grasp something that you weren't counting on. Don't let your emotions lead you astray. There is money heading your way from a source you least expect. Keep things in perspective. The Moon is in Capricorn and your industrious mood will carry on. You must fit as much into your day as possible in order to reach your highest potential.

Slayre Says:
You might have to touch some genitals that you never expected to have to touch. Don't get too grossed out. You'll get paid for it. Look at it this way, you don't have to moon in your ass. Oh wait, you do. You're feeling pretty industrious... so try to pack some more in.

Disclaimer: Don't try to fit more in. Explosion is imminent.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: I've got the gay key!

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Nerd Day!

Dear Mr. Bush,

I'm eating barbecue tonight! You have no idea how excited this makes me feel!

Ok, this week, for Nerd Day! I sacrifice to you one of my old time favorites: Garth Nix's Sabriel

Click here to go read an excerpt. You'll have to click on the "look inside" option. Sorry, they didn't have a sample chapter on his website...

This book is considerably more somber than the other books I've recommended. And longer. However, it's a zombie book! Ok, the main character puts zombies to rest using her magical bells, but there are still zombies! Anyway, read it. This has been a staple in my book collection for years.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sexy Sagittarius

Dear Twins,

I'm finally getting the final bit of my tattoo done this Saturday. I'm trying not to think about work, so that's what I'm focusing on. When it heals, I'll post a picture!

Sagittarius, Daily Horoscope says:
Take a little trip, or get outside today. You may want to break that routine and try something new or different right now. You may discover insights into day-to-day problems that will be of great value later. You are very much the creature of habit and habitat. Your encircling networks of friends and relationships are crucial to your success or lack thereof. You are nourished in great measure by the atmosphere and conditions you are able to set up for yourself. You are happiest today as you accomplish your chores and improve your surroundings, perhaps by cleaning or working with plants. All that is fine and luxurious may be what you enjoy most. You will make your own way and find solutions to whatever problems you have. Tonight is for romance.

Slayre Says:
Stop doing the same old things and go outside. You're pale in an unhealthy way. You might just figure out why no one likes looking at you in bright light. We know the sun hurts you, but it's time to get a little color and come out of the dark hole you call your lair. At this point, if you didn't have your friends, you'd probably starve. With the atmosphere and energy they provide, there's plenty for a psychic vampire to feed from. You feel pleased since you finally got rid of that odd smell that was left over from your last feeding. You've definitely got champagne tastes, unfortunately, you have a beer budget. It's ok though, you've started to watch the DIY network and you've started building your own furniture. Tonight, try to hook up.
Disclaimer: I try to keep everything fairly non-political, but I just couldn't resist.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Dirt in shoe makes blister on toe.

Love,
Slayre

Monday, June 16, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Green Monsters,

It's a new week! I'll try to post consistently since I love you and I'm really sad I let you down...

This week- Tegan and Sara:
These twins have had a long career, and like many bands, their style has slowly change, and in their case, dare I say, improved. Their latest album, The Con, is by far my favorite. Musically, it's the most complicated thing they've worked on, but not so out there that it's hard to relate to.

Yeah, they have mullets, but they make them work.

Click here to listen on their myspace page.

Love,
Slayre

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Movie Review Saturday

Dear Book Worms,

Sorry for not updating for a whole two days. I fell asleep. Repeatedly.

Anyway, to make up for the lack of posting, here's a review for The Incredible Hulk:
I really enjoyed this movie. Other than a few random editing glitches (characters sitting and suddenly standing and facing each other between camera changes) I can't really fault it. I'm not a fan of CGI, but I've become resigned to the fact that this is the new medium, and I do like Hulk's new look.
I wasn't a fan of Liv Tyler's bangs though. I think she's a gorgeous woman, and the bangs weren't horrible, but she's had better looks. I was honestly surprised that she played a good portion of the comic relief. All the roles I've seen her in have been pretty serious characters. Maybe I just haven't seen enough of her. Hmm... I'll have to fix that.

Slayre Says: 4.7 out of 5


Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Nerd Day!

Dear Superpeople,

Today, I offer up Kelley Armstrong's Bitten:

Have to comment on the cover for a second... this was the year of women's naked backs. Every series I read had a woman with a naked back... I have no idea why... I suppose it was a marketing ploy to attract people that think backs are sexy.

At any rate, this is the first of Kelley's Women of the Otherworld series, and once again, it features the supernatural. In this case, it's a werewolf named Elena. I don't want to give you too many details, but this is definitely one of my favorite series. Click the blue link above the picture to read the prologue.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Super Scorpio

Dear Kitties,

Well, it looks like this week isn't going to be fun, but it's ok. I'm going to go see some belly dancers Saturday. Yum.

Scorpio, horoscope.com says: The daytime will be easier than the evening, but the daytime will bring its problems too, thanks to a slightly aloof mood. Offers of help from you will be appreciated, but knowing when to step in and make that offer will be the challenge. A friend could make life a little harder than it needs to be!

Slayre Says:
Tonight's going to suck. The day's going to suck too, but not as bad as tonight. Be sure to offer your assistance, but don't make it too easy. Make them sweat first. Make it seem like you won't help them, and just before they fail miserably, swoop in and save them. They'll think you're awesome, but don't make it seem like you could have helped them from the beginning, or they might not remain a friend.

Disclaimer: Just because you like something, it doesn't mean it need to go inside of you.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's pointless to read your horoscope at the end of the day.

Love,
Slayre

P.S. I don't know why, but google won't let me adjust the font color today...

P.P.S. For more examples of Superman being a dick, go here.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Sharp Shooter,

I'll just say that little girls can be bitches. Work was not fun today...

Speaking of bitches (in this case, in a good way), Slayre's Music Recommendation today is Kittie:


Yeah, they've been around for forever, but they still kick ass. They're considerably more hardcore than the other groups I've posted here, but sometimes you just need that. I enjoy having these sexy ladies scream into my ears when I'm working out. Screaming, mmm. Sexy, mmm...

Click here to visit their site. You'll have to click play to get it started.

Love,
Slayre

Friday, June 6, 2008

Fun Friday!

Dear Selfish,

I just finished the first week of work! Only seven left! I want to go celebrate yet another meaningless milestone, but I just don't have the energy.

Smokin' Barrels

This week's game is yet another simple concept: the duel. Just follow the in game instructions, and you'll be fine. Want a tip? Don't use your prize money on the bonus games until you've won all the duels.

The only downside to this game is that the difficulty level goes up by about 100% if you don't have a mouse rather than the laptop touch pad, but it's still possible to beat.

Want to play? Click here.

Love,
Slayre

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Lickable Libra

Dear Skinwalkers,

I tried Abita's Turbodog just now. Not really a fan of it...

Anyway, Libra, dailyhoroscope says:
A rebellious streak could affect your career now--careful. Your sense of independence may tend to kick over the apple cart and upset everything. Your progress and success may be at the expense of your more unconventional tendencies--a source of struggle. You prefer a career that accents your own devotion to the dreams and ideals you stand for these days. Working with groups in a spirit of cooperation is a natural. Everything conspires to value and brings out your unique and unusual qualities. You may find that someone close to you understands and is supportive of your eccentricities. You could come up with new solutions. There is an opportunity this evening to understand a difficult person; you listen and love.

Slayre Says:
Stop being so damn selfish.

Disclaimer: Yeah, it was a cop out, but I'm tired.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Cat go boom!
Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Nerd Day!

Dear Stalkers,

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday. The internet company decided to not record that we paid our bill so they cut it off. It's ok though, its fixed.

Ok, so for today, I'm going to recommend Patricia Brigg's Moon Called:

This book is about a chick mechanic who happens to be able to turn into an coyote at will. Oh, the Alpha of the local werewolf pack lives next door and keeps hassling her. This is the first in a series of (so far) 3, and although this first one is great, they keep getting better. Click on the link in blue above to read a sample chapter!

Love,
Slayre

Monday, June 2, 2008

Music Monday!

Dear Snipers,

So, I finished my first day of work today and I can officially say that making corn husk dolls isn't fun after the first one or two. On the upside, my job means I get to play around all day and dig random holes in the ground with the kids.

On this week of Music Monday!, we'll be taking a look at Girl in a Coma:
This Latina hotties are based out of San Antonio, and they are set to repeat on my MP3 player. They're my new Music Girlfriends, I love them so much. Of course, they don't know that. Ok. It might be a little creepy, but its not like I'm stalking them honest. I mean, I don't even know what they wore yesterday. Well, Phanie's top was really cute and Jenn's shoes were amazing. Can't forget about Nina's though... her underwear was super sexy... I mean, from what I could see through the window.

Anyway, stop by their Myspace page (it's linked in blue about the picture for your convenience) and give them a listen!

Love,
Slayre

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Fun Friday!

Dear HazMat Suit Wearers,

This week has gone by really fast. Not too much time to waste, so here's a short game for you.

Clear Vision

Yeah, it has stick figures instead of great graphics, but the point is still to snipe the hell out of people. It doesn't take too long to complete the game, but its still enjoyable. You use a mouse to aim and fire, nothing too complicated. Enjoy!

Love,
Slayre

Virginal Virgo

Dear Witches,

It's almost the weekend! I'd be more excited if training hadn't ended today. How awesome is it that training for me included playing in the mud, doing arts and crafts, making ice cream and watching a kids movie?

Anyway, Virgo, Horoscope says:
Go easy on the spending, Virgo; an inclination to buy yourself the latest accessory or the outfit will come at a price. Avoid the mall and don’t be tempted to browse the internet shopping sites either; today you just won’t be able to resist temptation, and your budget will suffer!

Slayre Says:
Stuff cost money, and you don't have any! DO NOT CHECK YOUR MAIL! A box with anthrax or something exploded and all your mail and your mail box we
re covered in it. So were the internet shopping sites. You won't be able to resist, I know, but you were warned. Anthrax is expensive to cure!


Disclaimer: Slayre Says does not know how to cure anthrax or any other disease.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Time to go shopping!

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Nerd Day!

Dear Eyeball Eaters,

So, just to cover my bases in the entertainment industry, I'll be doing a book recommendation/review on Wednesdays. Since I've read a ton of books in my lifetime, I figure I've got a huge backlog of books to use for when I don't have time to actually read a book...

This week, I'll be reviewing Kim Harrison's Dead Witch Walking.

The main character, Rachel Morgan, is a witch. Her roommates are Ivy, a vampire, and Jenks, a pixie. Can you really go wrong with something like that?

The first couple of chapters are a little rocky, since Kim is working on building the world, but once you get past that, this book is fast paced. I love the dialog between the characters. Some of my best swears are stolen from Jenks. This is the first in the series, and as you read through it, there's a lot of foreshadowing to be missed. It amazes me on every re-read how many hints Kim leaves. You can read an excerpt here.

Kim Harrison is easily my favorite author, and anyone who knows me knows what a picky reader I am. Plus, I named my dog after one of her characters. If I were going to have kids, you can bet they'd be named after her characters too. Seriously, she's just that good.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Laughing Leo

Dear Rockstars,

And we're back to horoscopes! Give me something to do for Wednesday, and we can have just two a week!

Leo, DailyHoroscope says:
You are positive and you are able to get right to the point of problems today. You have plenty of enthusiasm and warm up to things and people quickly. There is an inner self-confidence that burns with its own light today. Ideas and interaction with authority figures may be in the forecast this afternoon. Working with--rather than against--the flow should be easy to do--all day. You may have trouble understanding those who seem emotional or sentimental, however and may not be able to show much patience. Balance your lack of intuitiveness with logic and common sense and you will have quite a successful day. There may be some changes that will have you examining your responsibilities but you can easily dispense with the superficial.

Slayre Says:
So, you finally got your test results back, and you're positive. This might be a good thing, so you're super excited and you want to hug every one. Be careful not to set yourself on fire with that inner light though. That would be bad. You're going to be pulled over by a cop today since your exuberance leads to drunk driving. Be sure to listen to the good officer all day, or I see prison rape in your future. You don't really get the guy in the corner who's crying, but be patient with him and he won't eat your eyeballs later. Overall, be sure to keep yourself regular with some fiber, and it won't be so bad. There'll probably be some events that will make you question your entire being, but that's ok.

Disclaimer: Reach for the fire extinguisher.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Ride for five miles on bike today, ass hurt tomorrow.

Love,
Slayre

Monday, May 26, 2008

Music Mondays

Dear Warlords,

Again, no horoscope for you! From henceforth, Mondays shall be known as Music Mondays, in which you shall have to suffer through my random tastes in music.

This week: Cat Power
Cat Power's been around for awhile, so her range of music is pretty eclectic. Check out her myspace page to check out some of her tunes for yourself. Look, I even made it easy for you. Just click her name, in blue, above her picture.

I'm keeping it kinda short today since I'm tired from all the work training. Fun stuff!

Love,
Slayre

Friday, May 23, 2008

Fun Friday!

Dear Indie Fans,

It's Friday! And in celebration of one of the better days of the week, I've decided to institute Fun Friday! Instead of a horoscope, every Friday I'll be telling you guys what I've been doing for fun, or what I waste my time with.

This week, I've been playing a strategy game called Warlords: Call to Arms
Basically, you send your little soldiers across the screen towards the other side, and keep your opponent from getting to your side. You get to choose your race, and buy upgrades and different types of units. The goal is to take over the world!!

Yeah, it has low graphics and the concept of the game is extraordinarily easy, but I never said I was complex.

Love,
Slayre

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Review Thursday

Dear Bears,

In place of your regular horoscope, I'll be doing a movie review! Which movie, you ask? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

I was initially excited about this new film. I loved all the old movies, but I'll be honest, I was annoyed so much during the film I didn't enjoy it very much. I give the movie props for being great cinematicly, but the pseudo archeology drove me up the freaking wall. I'm sure that most people who aren't taking classes heavily focused on archeology will enjoy it though. Also, Shia LaBeuf? Really Steven Spielburg? Is that the best you could do? I watched Transformers and this movie in spite of, not because of that guy. I honestly wonder if his movies would do as well if the movies weren't so high profile. I refuse to put his picture on my blog...

On the upside, I thoroughly enjoyed Kate Blanchett as Col. Dr. Spalko. Her accent was awesome and her acting skills never cease to amaze me. Harrison Ford wasn't bad himself, but he is really showing his age. John Hurt as Professor Oxley was hilarious and Karen Allen's reprise of Marion Ravenwood, was, of course, amazing.

So, I'm split with my rating system here. Overall, I give it a 2 and a half. The archeologist gives it a great big 0, but the moviegoer me gives it a four out of five.

So, Slayre Says: 2.5/0/4

And yes, I do recognize my averaging skills are weird there.

If you want to know a spoiler full rant on why this movie bugged the hell out of me, just ask, as long as you have at least a half hour for me to fill.

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Stick it, Cancer

Dear Harem,

Look! I didn't make a cancer joke! Aren't you proud of me?

Cancer, DailyHoroscopes says:
You are able to handle difficult people and may be called upon to help with crowd control. You are able to cut through the red tape to get at what is beneath and behind most situations that others feel have no remedy. This is a time when you can make a real difference in the work place and the profits of the company for which you work. There is support and recognition from your co-workers. You may find that you are able to bring more imagination to bear on your goals and ambitions. You might find your ideals taking a more spiritual turn, thus involving you more in community and religious projects. This is a time when philosophical ideas, religious and such--really holds your interest. You are able to teach, the unity that binds.


Slayre Says:
You're going to act as a bouncer at a communist convention that the National Guard is going to crash for being Unamerican. Of course, you're not living in the sixties, so it's all drug induced. You're going to affect the profits of your employer... good luck at not getting caught. Your coworkers are in on it, so your chances are good. You're going to imagine bears with beers, but just realize that that's drug induced also. Soon, the bears will begin to say things, and they'll sound like scripture. You should pay attention to the bears. They will guide you and watch over you. Like Yoda, you will sound.

Disclaimer: Really dude, controlled substances are controlled for a reason. You need to figure out what that reason is.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Be on the look out for Saphocrats.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Gemini's Gems

Dear Foul Mouthed Grandmothers,

I'm not going to lie. I'm getting tired of horoscopes. Why? Because they're repetitive. So, I'd like to branch out, but I'll need suggestions.

But, for today, here's Gemini's from freedailyhoroscopes:
Today you will want to think about where you are in your life. Spend time alone today to listen to where your thoughts take you. This is a good time to take note of inner goals and aspirations. With the quick pace of life, we don't spend enough time alone to find out if we are on the right path according to our inner voice.

Slayre Says:
Think about where you are. Do you really need to be in a bar at 11am? Get away from your harem, and see where your thoughts go. Think about where you want to be and what you would like to do. With such a fast paced life, you realize you'd rather just be with your harem. Too bad you left them and they quickly found something better.
I guess it's a women's basketball harem. Guess you'll have to take one... or nine for the team.

Disclaimer: Please get checked regularly for things transmitted through your harem.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You only miss things when they're not around.

Love,
Slayre

Monday, May 19, 2008

Tanked Taurus

Dear Monkies,

Taurus, Uclick says,
Don't run from what needs to be dealt with. Instead, proceed with truth and concern. Once you clear your mind of the little things bothering you, it will be easier to take charge of your life and make decisions based on what's best for you.

Slayre Says:
You want to run from everything that you have to do today, but you sprain your ankle because you're out of shape. Instead you're going to have to tell the truth, mainly because you're attached to a lie detector. Once you accept the fact that you've been caught, it won't be a struggle to choose the best choice for you. Paper or plastic?

Disclaimer: Slayre Says doesn't know why you would be attached to a lie detector in a grocery store, but it's your fault anyway.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: It's alive!

Love,
Slayre

Friday, May 16, 2008

Great Day for Civil Rights

Hey Guys,

This post has nothing to do with horoscopes, so if you had your heart set on one of those, just skip this post.

First off, I support Gay Rights. It's never made sense to me that the US denied some of it's citizens it's rights, and I think it's great that some states are supporting its citizens like it should. Up until yesterday though, the list was very short, and it consisted of Massachusetts. Well, now it's up to two and it's California and Massachusetts.

The vote for gay marriage has gone through twice, and was vetoed by Governor Schwarzenegger, but he explained he vetoed because it was going through the courts. The courts finally made a decision and it states:
Accordingly, in light of the conclusions we reach concerning the
constitutional questions brought to us for resolution, we determine that the
language of section 300 limiting the designation of marriage to a union "between a
man and a woman" is unconstitutional and must be stricken from the statute, and
that the remaining statutory language must be understood as making the
designation of marriage available both to opposite-sex and same-sex couples. In
addition, because the limitation of marriage to opposite-sex couples imposed be
section 308.5 can have no constitutionally permissible effect in light of the
constitutional conclusions set forth in this opinion, that provision cannot stand.
Plaintiffs are entitled to the issuance of a writ of mandate directing the
appropriate state officials to take all actions necessary to effectuate our ruling in
this case so as to ensure that county clerks and other local officials throughout the
state, in performing their duty to enforce the marriage statutes in their
jurisdictions, apply those provisions in a manner consistent with the decision of
this court. Further, as the prevailing parties, plaintiffs are entitled to their costs.

Now, I don't live in California. I can only hope that Louisiana and other states will soon follow suit, but I can't see that happening anytime soon. I might just move to California.

Also, Congratulations to Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi on their engagement!

Love,
Slayre

Abused Aries

Dear Neglected,

So I haven't updated in about two days. I'm sorry. I wish I could say it will never happen again, but it probably will. I was super excited about the appointment I had two days ago, but I had to come back the next day because the transfer machine wouldn't work. I have one to two more sessions to go. Anyone have any ideas about what I'm talking about?

Aries, FreeDailyHoroscope says:
Feelings of inspiration can occur today as you experience original ideas. Make sure to have pen and paper handy as these ideas will be short-lived and you may not be able to recall all the creative details.


Slayre Says:
You're super excited today because you're coming up with great ideas. Unfortunately, there's a monkey that you bought for a friend of yours throwing wrenches at your head. You're not sure you owned all those wrenches to start with, but they're making you have short term amnesia, and you can't remember any of your ideas. You could try writing them down, but the monkey will probably just eat the paper. Here's a hint: tranq gun is to your left. Use it.
Disclaimer: Please check the dosage on the tranquilizers.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Wait till I bring him to the light.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Picky Pisces

Dear Gladiators,

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm like super excited about. I can't say what it is, but it has nothing to do with my gynecologist. If I were going to her, I'd a) not be excited and b) wouldn't be telling you about it...

Pisces, Proastro says:
You are inclined to act on some of the wilder impulses and desires you feel from time to time. You crave stimulation. If you have an inventive streak, you could make a startling discovery or breakthrough now. A strong sense of adventure combine to make this a very interesting time.

Slayre Says:
You're going to do some things (probably while intoxicated) that you've been craving to do for a while, but you didn't dare do before. You're also going to drink about 20 energy drinks, and then play with a kaleidescope, and ride a unicycle all at the same time. After that, you're going to make a stupendous soup, only to realize you don't have a sense of taste. Now everything makes sense! Now you can stop being like Kafka's Hunger Artist and eat a freakin' sandwich. After that, you'll feel like going skydiving, but the wait will be too long so you find an above ground water tower and take a jump. Aw darn... No one likes Pisces anyway...

Disclaimer: You might not die.

Fortune Cookie: It tastes great on a cracker!

Love,
Slayre

Monday, May 12, 2008

Water Please!

Dear Alcoholics,

There isn't really too much for me to talk about except AMERICAN GLADIATOR IS COMING BACK ON TONIGHT!! Ok, I know, it's a weird show and the people look really grossly muscled, but have you seen Gina Carano AKA Crush? She does Mixed Martial Arts fighting with a specialization in Muay Thai and she's amazing. Watch her tonight. Your blogger commands it.

Aquarius, Yahoo Horoscope Says:
You need to pay closer attention to business transactions today -- from buying stock to using your ATM. It's not like anyone is trying to cheat you (though that's always possible), it's more about details.

Slayre Says:
Hey Yahoo, the best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. I thought I was reading a horoscope, not an advice column! Just kidding Yahoo, you know I lo..er... like you.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says won't put up any more horoscopes from sites that don't know how to write them.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You might want to get that checked.


Love,
Slayre

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Legal for Liquor

Dear Peoples,

It's my birthday! This calls for an imparting of knowledge.

Here's my "best of" list for alcohol. Keep in mind that my experience is limited, and most of what I've had is cheap. Disagree with my choices? Tell me about it in the comments section.

Whiskey:
Crown Royal. I don't like whiskey in general, but this is one I can tolerate.

Rum:
Parrot Bay. Ok, it doesn't taste like rum- it tastes like coconut, but it tastes amazing with coke.

Vodka:
I've had some good ones... but I can't for the life of me remember them...

Tequila:
This is a joke. There's no such thing as a good tequila. This is the Devil's Liquor!

Wine:
I really enjoy a good German Riesling. My favorite so far was a bottle of Relax.

Mixed Drink:
Amaretto Sours. This was the first alcohol that I actually enjoyed!

Beer:
Ok, I'm not a fan of traditional beers, but my favorite would be Amber Bock and I have to give a shout out for Dos Equis (XX). For non-traditional, I looooove Smirnoff Ice. Of course, since I haven't tried Sam Adams, this may all change. Since we share a name, I was saving trying it until my 21st. Guess I should go for it!

Hard Cider:
Woodchuck, all the way!






Love,
Slayre

P.S. Happy Mother's Day

Friday, May 9, 2008

Capricious Capricorn

Dear Slaves,
I'm already enjoying my vacation, but it's time to start packing. I don't start my new job until the end of the month, but luckily my 'rental units are still willing to support me- at least until I graduate.

Well Capricorn,
MyHoroscope says:

Planetary shifts will enable you to make the most of any o
pportunities coming your way. If you’re looking for inspiration over future career plans then today’s the day when you should get a flash of insight. For some Capricorns there’s a hint of a promotion or even a change of job!

Slayre Says:
You're going to have a good day at work today. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Disclaimer: This won't work if you're unemployed. Sorry you suck so bad.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Don't try to send your food back today. It's just a really bad idea.


Love,
Slayre

Thursday, May 8, 2008

So Says Sagittarius

Dear Kool-aid People,

Finals Hell is officially over with for now. Updates should now be more regular, like a healthy digestive system. For those of you who might want to know, I feel like I did ok. I'll let you know for sure later, when the teachers actually post my grades.

Sagittarius, Astrology-Online says:
You like to stay busy and now is your chance to do just that. Your ability to charm others will put you in the limelight at social functions. You must be extremely careful not to let relatives or friends interfere in your personal life.

Slayre says:
Forced labor is upcoming, but you're ok with that since you need the exercise anyway. What you think is charming isn't, but since you're drunk, everyone's going to encourage you to keep on doing what you're doing. Whatever you do, do not allow people to play matchmaker for you tonight. The person they have in mind will dominate you in a bad way and beat you because of their own insecurities.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says eats spouse abusers for breakfast, and it's not pleasant any of those involved.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today's show is brought to you by the letter "L."


Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Sexy Scorpio

Dear Mass Murderers,

I'm turning in my final art project today. Wish me luck... I'll need it.

Scorpio, DailyHoroscope says:
Keep little reminders around for you to see that will direct you toward your goals. This may be sea shells if you want to go to the ocean or stick-on-stars, if you are training to be an astronaut, or a weather forecaster, etc. As the days go flying by, you will find yourself automatically moving toward the opportunities that are required to fulfill your dreams. Your inner resources and emotions are accented. Expect a sense of support and good will from those around you. You are able to sort through most problems and find the source or cause in order to make the necessary changes. You may be able to bring a group together with words or ideas that transport others. Poetry and art may be enjoyed this evening; create these things or enjoy the reading.

Slayre Says:
Decorate your home with things that remind you what you wanted to be as a kid. An astronaut motif with what used to be real astronauts would be awesome. As the days go by, you'll get closer to your dream, if only because of your mad stalker and impersonation skills. In a turn of events, the voices have suddenly acquired an accent. It's ok though, since they're encouraging you in your dreams. You're doing pretty well with fixing all your problems. Those voices are so helpful! Like Charles Manson, you're incredibly charismatic and people listen to you. Prepare a poetry reading for some friends, but be sure not to drink the flavor-aid.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says has nothing against flavor-aid. It's the cyanide she has issues with.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: You're so cool.
Love,
Slayre

Monday, May 5, 2008

Lazy Libra

Dear Hiatus,

Only 3 more days of finals Hell and then I'll be done for the semester. I'll be posting on a when-I-have-time basis, so updates might be sketchy. Wish me luck!

Libra, AstroAdvice says:
Fix up your place or move to a better location. Sort out what needs to be organized financially, legally or mentally. You can make gains if you don't neglect the very things that can help you prosper. The Moon is in Taurus resulting in a day of getting back exactly what you deserve. The time to make changes is now if you want to move to stable ground.

Slayre Says:
You know you should really fix all the holes in your walls and the sinking pit of doom in your living room, but wouldn't it be easier to lose your deposit and just move out? I mean, you'll be blacklisted for any other reasonably priced apartment, but you had to hide the body somehow, right? Figure out which method is cheaper for you, and do that. If you think about it, you could sell what remains of the remains on the black market, and it'll all pay for itself, and you'll get a little profit. The bull next door has a huge kidney stone, but this means you'll get a pretty nifty kidney stone for your collection. Really, fix your floor before you kill yourself...

Disclaimer: Killing is bad!

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Today is a good day to sign up for various classes you've wanted to take for awhile.

Seriously, this isn't funny:

Ok, maybe it is funny.

Love,
Slayre

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sorry Guys

Hey Guys,
I'm not really going to have time to post anything until Saturday since I have to watch some foreign films and finish writing papers. I think this will set up a precedent for finals and midterms- Hiatus until I'm allowed to sleep again.

Love,
Slayre

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Virgo Goes to Work

Dear Napkin Users,

Three hours of sleep... rough draft due... nothing written...

Virgo, dailyhoroscope.com says:
Think seriously about your work this morning and what you have learned and how far you can grow within the company. If you want to stay, do not hesitate to present your ideas. If you want to move forward in your profession, privately write down some definite goals. You may decide that now is the time to further your education. Most of the time your capabilities do not match your present status; it is time to reassess. Whatever you decide; now is the time to get down to business with your personal plans? If you have not gotten a health check yet, you may want to schedule one when you can. If you start school or decide to change jobs, time off now would be a good idea. Best friends will support your ideas.

Slayre Says:
You seriously need to reassess your current job. If you like where you're at, keep at it and present your ideas to your boss. Just know that any good ideas will be pigeonholed and you won't receive any of the credit, leaving you depressed and without the hoped for promotion. You should probably go back to school, since your current skill set is antiquated and essentially worthless in this quickly advancing technical world. It's not really important what you decide, as long as you make a decision, you indecisive OCD sufferer. You should probably go see a doctor, especially if your lover is a Leo. Take a vacation. Your friends will buy the beer. OK, maybe just the first round of it.

Disclaimer: Slayre Says is not qualified to give job advice.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Make sure you can get it out before you put it in.

Love,
Slayre

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Leprous Leo

Dear Grail Seekers,

Well, it's almost the end of the semester. I think most of you will find that all of this week's blog posts will be quite short. That's mostly because my teachers are evil. Ok, they're not really evil, but sometimes it feels like it. As soon as it's light here (in about three hours) I'll be putting together my portfolio for art, and trust me, it's not pretty...



Information that will result in a noticeable improvement to your wellbeing will be revealed to you today. It will come in the form of a very subtle change in your diet. It could be something as simple as removing a food from your daily regimen or adding one to it. Many during this time will invest in a juicer or begin drinking a glass of wine with their meal in order to recharge and revitalize their health.


Slayre Says:

Today you'll get the test results back. You have an STD. With knowledge comes the chance to improve it, so you're going to try the herbal route to healing. Rosemary might do it for you, but probably not. Many of you who finally find out what you have will start drinking wine at your meals. Or possibly having meals with their wine. No, vodka does not count as potatoes in a bottle.


Disclaimer: Slayre Says claims no knowledge of herbs or other holistic healing techniques.


Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Keep napkins on hand.



Love,
Slayre

Monday, April 28, 2008

Aw man... it's Cancer again!

Hey Super Women,

Well, it's Dead Week. Really, this doesn't mean much, other than every assignment in the freakin' world is due this week. I'll be busy writing a paper for English class, and yet again I'll be writing it from an Anthropologist's perspective rather than a philosopher's perspective as we're supposed to. Next week is finals. Oddly enough, I really enjoy finals since there's no class. I should really find out when my finals are scheduled... oops.

Cancer, 12sign says:
Your personal quest has put you out of touch for the past couple of days. Demands from a personal relationship may require you to make a decision today. Put a lot of thought into this decision and do not take it lightly. It could have a significant effect on the path you take in the future.

Slayre Says:
Your failed quest for the holy grail has taken you out of what you should have been doing for the past couple of days. The reason you can't find it is because you've gotten a lot of demands from your love on the side, and you're going to have to decide whether to give in to their demands, or just kill them. You should really think hard about this because remember, it's not fun to hide the body. Remember, nine out of ten bodies are never found in the Honey Island Swamp.

Disclaimer: A creepy lady I once worked with told me about the swamp thing. A) How does she know? B) I can't actually vouch for it because I haven't reached ten bodies yet.

Slayre's Fortune Cookie: Double the weight.

Love,
Slayre